Is Your Husband Gay? Don't Be So Sure
Jennifer discovered from her husband Tom’s emails that he was meeting Brad for sex. She came to see me, heartbroken, sure that her marriage to her “gay” husband was doomed. But when I examined Tom, I discovered he wasn’t gay. He had been sexually abused by his coach when he was a boy, and his compulsion to have sex with men was a “trauma reenactment,” which could be eliminated through therapy. Of course, Tom and Jennifer still had to work through the betrayal of his sexual acting out, but his issues did not present a fundamental impediment to the marriage. Had he been gay, then Tom and Jennifer’s challenges would have been much greater.

Seeking sex with men does not make a man gay. Sexual orientation is a complex state of being. You aren’t gay because you “act gay.” You’re gay because you are gay. When I examine a man who’s questioning his sexual orientation, I ask him about childhood abuse and other traumas that can lead straight men to seek sex with men. I’ve also developed a checklist of characteristics of gay men to help me with diagnosis. These characteristics go beyond mere sexual acts. Here is a simplified list:

1. The beach test: Gay men see the men on a beach, not the women.
2. Youthful noticing: Before puberty, gay boys notice other boys with a kind of giggling delight, just as straight boys do girls.
3. Waking up: Straight guys, even those who have sex with men, don’t want to wake up next to one.
4. Falling in love: A gay man can fall in romantic love with a man; straight men don’t.
5. Romantic hopes and dreams with a male partner: After a period of promiscuous “gay adolescence,” a gay man will yearn to “settle down.”
6. Gay sex not degrading: Straight men sometimes interpret gay sex as humiliating. Gay men find it fundamentally joyful.
7. Homophobia: If a gay man is repressing his gay identity, he is often negative about gay people and the “gay lifestyle.”

Of course, sometimes a questioning man comes to me and it turns out he is gay or bi. In this case, marriage between the man and a woman is fundamentally complicated and often (but not always) leads to divorce. I’ve developed a set of guidelines for these couples. (See my post “Mixed Orientation Marriages” on my website, JoeKort.com, or Chapter 13 of my recent book, Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men.)

Many couples come to see me because the husband’s unconventional sexual interests are interpreted as “gay.” I’m amazed that people continue to believe that an interest in anal sex makes a man gay. Sometimes “kinks” are acted out as compulsions and need to be addressed by therapy to give the man more control over his impulses, but they usually are not “proof” that the man is gay.

Joel came to see me, afraid his wife might discover his secret. He was meeting couples to engage in very specific sex “scenes.” He wanted to be “forced” by a woman to watch her make love to her husband — even to help her make love to her husband — but if the woman wasn’t there, he wasn’t interested. His compulsion for this kink (commonly called “cuckolding”) might seem gay (because of the man in the room), but in fact I’ve never heard of a gay man with this interest.

I did help Joel become less compulsive. In his therapy we uncovered a complex situation in his childhood in which his mother doted on him when his father was absent on business trips but ignored him completely when his father was home. His longing to be included as a child had been sexualized in his psyche as a cuckolding kink. I could not “cure” him of his fantasy; he’ll always be aroused by some version of it. What we achieved in therapy was freeing him from the compulsion to act on it. As a result, he didn’t need to continue to meet with couples for sex.

When a married man and woman come to me for clarity, they end up in one of three situations:

1. The man is acting out a homosexual behavioral imprinting from childhood, which often fades with therapy.
2. The man is gay or bi, and the couple must decide how to stay together or part because of it.
3. The man has a kink whose compulsivity may be controlling and ruining his life (and the marriage), but through therapy he can learn to manage and moderate it, even though it will never go away entirely.

But wait! You want to know if your husband is gay. Without the terror of homophobia clouding our vision with horrendous legal and social consequences, it is relatively easy to determine if a man is gay. He can determine it himself, using the simple tools I noted above: beach test, youthful noticing, and so on. Bisexuality is subtler. The best way to tell if a man is bisexual is to sit down with him and talk about it.

One final thought: No one — not even an “expert” — has the right to tell you to panic and divorce. You most likely understand what you’re dealing with better than anybody. You can choose for yourself. It’s your future. You have options.

www.huffingtonpost.com/joe-kort-phd/is-your-husband-gay-dont-be-so-sure_b_6215144.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

Passengers Give Airplane A Jump-Start On Frozen Tarmac In Siberia: VIDEO

Sean Mandell

www.towleroad.com/2014/11/passengers-give-airplane-a-jump-start-on-frozen-tarmac-in-siberia-video.html

Why the Mississippi Marriage Win Is Our Most Important Yet

A federal judge overturned Mississippi’s marriage ban this week, in a ruling heavily influenced by DOMA-busting lawyer Robbie Kaplan.

read more

Matt Baume

www.advocate.com/politics/marriage-equality/2014/11/26/why-mississippi-marriage-win-our-most-important-yet

Formerly Gay and for Rent
I suppose a few falling leaves, over time, are to be expected — but when the tree is nearly bare and the wind-chill factor climbs higher than the age of that street-corner twink you’re angling to hook, change becomes something to resent.

It’s a cold day indeed when you find yourself huddled against what used to be the Rawhide bar, bitterly surveying a vanilla-speckled permafrost of banks and franchises and chain stores.

Good gravy, Mary.

Is it not enough that the pharmacies and Starbucks outnumber the sex shops and watering holes, and have for quite some time? Assimilated and defeated, many of our old-guard gays have had little choice but to “come out of the shadows and get right with the law” by trading in their whippets for wedding bands, their Boy Butter for baby carriages. It’s no wonder so many of the queer homesteaders who made Chelsea what it was have taken their balls to other playgrounds, or simply let the air out and called it a day.

If that sounds just a tad dramatic, consider this:

From 14th to 23rd Streets, three gay-centric storefront businesses with a combined presence of over nine decades on Eighth Avenue have stood empty for months — “For Rent” signs starting to weather, and no sign that what replaces chic clothing store Camouflage, (1976-2014), playful lifestyle emporium Rainbows & Triangles (1994-2014) and the reliably cruisy Rawhide bar (1980-2013) will cater to anything other than bland choices and desexualized tastes.

And who can afford the asking price that forced contemporary men’s retail store Universal Gear (2001-2014) to forego its lease renewal and move 20 blocks uptown to Hell’s Kitchen?

Just Salad, that’s who. How they’ll make their monthly rent by pimping roughage is not my concern. I’m more interested in the cold, hard fact that as more lavender-leaning merchants disappear, recent arrivals like juice joint Liquiteria and yogurt emporium 16 Handles further drain Eighth Avenue of its libido-friendly pluck.

We had another end-of-an-era scare recently when they gutted Rainbow Station — but the 24/7 sex shop was soon back: two doors down, directly across from archrival The Blue and better positioned to fight for its share of dwindling foot traffic. Three blocks away, savvy marketing has eluded Rainbow Station’s sister space.

Opened in late 2013, it briefly toyed with the name “Splash” — a nod to the West 17th Street mega-bar of the same name, whose 1991-to-2013 existence parallels Chelsea’s own shelf life as a viable gayborhood.

Sadly, Splosh has achieved only one of the promises spattered across its boastful exterior signage (“Bar & Lounge * Café * Sexy Boutique”). The dream of inserting a social/sexual business model into increasingly prudish Chelsea was deferred by vocal opposition, a liquor license that didn’t materialize, and customers who never warmed up to the notion of eating a $10 steak dinner in close proximity to lube, poppers and fetish gear.

Well, at least they tried. The Sexy Boutique’s still there, though for how long is anybody’s guess — and it’s here that an unmotivated customer base must take its place alongside skyrocketing rents when tracking the real cause of Eighth Avenue’s eroding gay integrity. That bitter truth had the co-owner of Rainbows & Triangles seeing red, shortly before closing his doors after two decades on the block.

Men who hadn’t been regulars for years, he told me, saw the “SALE” sign in the window and tried to squeeze him for an even more generous discount on top of the steals and deals he was already offering. Faced with that scenario, he decided that what remained on the final day would be put in storage or given to charity. Good for him. Chelsea may not be as gay as it was, but a few of us still have some pride.

www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-stiffler/formerly-gay-and-for-rent_b_6209334.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

PHOTOS: The Shower Selfie Challenge Makes Bath Time So Much Fun

Earlier this week we learned about a new campaign called The Shower Selfie Challenge, encouraging people to upload pictures of themselves getting sudsy and tag the shots #weareALLclean.

The idea is to challenge the notion that having HIV makes you “dirty” by contrast of the often used “clean” to describe a negative HIV status, and the hope is that participants will donate money along the way to help find a cure.

Here’s how have played out in just a couple of days:

????

A photo posted by dc34ever (@dc34ever) on Oct 10, 2014 at 3:50pm PDT

showing my supprt 4 the #weareALLclean ShowerSelfieChallenge 2 raise $$ 4 AIDS cure.Your turn???? t.co/leeHCSfwG9 pic.twitter.com/Ar72oc6Gvm

— Eli Lieb (@elilieb) November 26, 2014

#weareALLclean #hiv/aidsawareness pic.twitter.com/YFsTc8qguV

— JerZey (@xJerZeyWilDx) November 26, 2014

I took the #HIV Shower Selfie Challenge Raise $$ for AIDS Cure t.co/CvoEOMQszj #weareALLclean @jackmackenroth pic.twitter.com/qUutNGSJM9

— Mark S. King (@MyFabDisease) November 26, 2014

Take the HIV ShowerSelfieChallenge for an AIDS cure!t.co/j4pLj0Rycz #weareALLclean Share on @Moovzofficial pic.twitter.com/x2WQtJcCgl

— Idan Matalon (@idanmat) November 24, 2014

#weareALLclean #love @jackmackenroth #inspiring #Montana pic.twitter.com/hZH1fd2NZH

— Christopher Gehring (@stopher85) November 26, 2014

#HIV Shower Selfie Challenge raise $$ for AIDS cure t.co/C18jDNX9h6 #weareALLclean @left_magazine @SisterRoma pic.twitter.com/B7QKffuRSW

— BeBe Sweetbriar (@bebesweetbriar) November 26, 2014

#weareALLclean pic.twitter.com/fjUpx6iLpo

— Marco Di Palma (@Marco_Di_Palma) November 26, 2014

#weareALLclean #support pic.twitter.com/FOEpyWByZe

— Trent Matthews (@TrentMatthewXXX) November 26, 2014

Si ya los selfies de por sí me gustan, aun me gustan más si son por una buena causa, la lucha contra el SIDA. #weareALLclean

A photo posted by @rafa_varez on Nov 11, 2014 at 10:44am PST

#weareALLclean

A photo posted by Joe Schmelzer (@treasurbite) on Nov 11, 2014 at 9:18am PST

???????????? Let’s get rid of the stigma… There’s a sad notion out there that people with HIV are “dirty.” In fact, ?#?WeAreAllClean?. Take a #ShowerSelfie challenge and make a donation for the #AIDSAwareness Campaign INSTRUCTIONS: 1) Take a selfie or Vine video of yourself in the shower.** NO EXPLICIT NUDITY** 2) Post your photo with the caption “Take HIV Shower Selfie Challenge raise $$ for AIDS cure bit.ly/CUREAIDS #weareALLclean” 3) Challenge 3 or more other people to participate! 4) (Optional) DONATE!! Please consider a small donation if you are able. Every penny counts! bit.ly/CUREAIDS 5) On World AIDS Day: Monday, December 1st, please change all your social media profile pix to your shower selfie photo and spread the word!!

A photo posted by johnjohndayz (@johnjohndayz) on Nov 11, 2014 at 11:34am PST

Dan Tracer

feedproxy.google.com/~r/queerty2/~3/1o8GbGqCMAw/photos-the-shower-selfie-challenge-makes-bath-time-so-much-fun-20141126

NEWS: Darren Wilson, Ellen's Gardner, 'Love Is Strange', Laser Watch

Sean Mandell

www.towleroad.com/2014/11/news-darren-wilson-ellens-gardner-love-is-strange.html

Texas AG: Same-Sex Couples' Request to Marry 'Untimely, Out of Order'

Texas attorney general (and governor-elect) Greg Abbott makes his feelings about gay and lesbian couples’ requests to marry immediately known in his latest legal filing.

read more

Sunnivie Brydum

www.advocate.com/%5Bprimary-topic-path-raw%5D/2014/11/26/texas-ag-same-sex-couples-request-marry-untimely-out-order

Dear Straight, White, Male New Friend
Dear straight, white, male new friend,

When you tell me you have confidence in yourself because you are a straight, white male, I am not sure if you are being sarcastic or if this is something you actually believe.

I would caution you, though, to be careful where and how you use that term, for others might find it off-putting or be confused by it at best. I have never heard it from any other straight, white, male colleagues or friends, so this is new territory for me.

Many people associate straightness, whiteness, and maleness with the best of the world’s historical progress: explorers, conquerors, inventors, builders, wealth creators. For others the use of these descriptors to define the essence of one’s self-confidence represents the most serious of insecurities, insecurities that have bred some of the most egregious acts of human history that I won’t rehearse here. Suffice it to say, it has not always been the case that straightness, whiteness, and maleness connotes confidence. My straight, white, male executive coach believes it is a heavy weight to bear because, he says, in the end, even straight, white men know they have to die. As a human being, I get it.

I have had many, many straight, white, male colleagues and have straight, white, male friends. Most have talked of their insecurities and their confidences — insecurities and confidences born of how they were raised, their faith (or lack of it) in God, their natural disposition, a love (or not) of life — the list goes on. I have heard the same from transgender youth of color — confidence expressed and shown in spite of the fact they are not white or male, or even straight in some cases. And I have heard them talk of insecurities that don’t always have to do with being transgender youth of color.

As we continue this journey together, and as you continue to grow, you may want to think about what it means for others to hear you say that you have no lack of confidence because you are a straight, white male. It could suggest just the opposite.

We are all children of the same creative source, fellow travelers on this journey, often feeling our way in the dark, who celebrate confidence when it is born of moments of clarity, of acts of charity, of genuine compassion for our creator, our neighbors, and ourselves.

You are a smart, caring, compassionate soul. That gives me confidence enough.

Fred

www.huffingtonpost.com/frederick-davie/dear-straight-white-male-new-friend_b_6203872.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

Pat Robertson Channels Your Bigoted Uncle With His Heart-Freezing Thanksgiving Message

The holiday season is upon us, and families everywhere will gather around the table tomorrow and give thanks for one another.

But maybe there’s someone in your family who you’d really rather just not hear speak.

In Pat Robertson’s clan, that’d have to be Pat Robertson.

His show The 700 Club did a story about the religious faith of the pilgrims, and warned viewers that the progression of gay rights threatens everything they worked blood, sweat and tears for.

Funny how he doesn’t mention native genocide — what does Jesus think about that one, Pat?

He said:

“Ladies and gentlemen, our warning should be today, we can’t lose that. And when you have courts that are taking away the very essence of our democracy, the ground from which this great country came, when courts are saying that is unconstitutional, when they’re exulting aberrant lifestyles and saying that’s constitutional, when they’re defying the very essence of this nation, they are sowing the seeds, not of a new, prosperous nation but the destruction of the one that’s already here.”

Oh Pat, shut up and pass the string beans.

Here’s the clip:

Dan Tracer

feedproxy.google.com/~r/queerty2/~3/oCB8i_HjVoU/pat-robertson-channels-your-bigoted-uncle-with-his-heart-freezing-thanksgiving-message-20141126