Time’s up for DTF
Journalist Jasmine Lobe, who bravely spoke about harassment at the hands of Harvey Weinstein, reflects on the past, present and future of DTF
My neighbor and I had a thing. I was in apartment 205 and he was in 206. He’d invite me over for late-night movies. I’d make up reasons to stop by. Did he have any olive oil or salt?
The hooking up was hot, but I noticed a trend: he only really wanted me after a night of drinking. He’d usually knock on my door at 4 a.m.
When I told him I had feelings for him, the knocking stopped.
He moved on quickly. He conveniently started hooking up with the woman in apartment 207. I’d hear them in the hallway giggling. I’d press my ear against my wall (her bedroom was on the other side) and my heart would stop. I’d blast music and try not to cry.
I wasn’t the “cool” girl who was DTF. I was emotional. I had feelings. I was “weak.”
But I could never win, because if I had been “cool” enough to be DTF, I’d still feel disrespected.
According to one urban dictionary definition, DTF “refers to a nasty, slutty whore who is willing to go home with some random guy she just met (in most cases the girl is drunk but not always) and fuck. Afterward, the girl will sometimes leave on her own but in most cases the guy will kick her out once he’s been satisfied.” Thankfully, attitudes are changing and the stigma attached to singles, particularly women, who are looking for something casual has finally begun to lift. But there’s still a lot to be done to protect, and empower, people to hook up, date, and communicate on their own terms.
The #MeToo movement has opened the floodgates for women (myself included) to name their harassers and be believed, but it’s bigger than that — it’s systemic. It’s time to unravel patriarchy and that’s certainly going to affect dating, too. OkCupid’s on to that in a big way with their new campaign that is #DTFixDating. If you can’t get rid of DTF, then make it your own so the power’s in your hands.
I caught up with a few women I admire about their views on DTF — how it makes them feel, and what it means to redefine it.
Whitney Eden works for an advertising agency. I’m a big fan of her biting blog, DoYouEvenTinderBro.com, where she posts sexist texts she receives via dating apps. She’s holding these guys accountable because their actions don’t take place in a “vacuum.”
Whitney has tried different dating apps but likes OkCupid best because it gives her more information so there’s a richer background. One has to match before messages can be sent to inboxes, which weeds out the “headless dudes” and in her case, filters out the far right. She says, “If you believe women shouldn’t have contraceptive rights, we should never go out.”
She thinks OkCupid’s new campaign is a great start, but only marks the beginning of a long, much-needed battle to change the meaning in a culture where the traditional meaning of DTF is so ingrained.
“For the longest time women were afraid to say, ‘I’m not looking for a no-strings-attached relationship.’ You’re not cool if you voice that, and men take advantage of it. And while women are used to placating men’s egos, the current climate has empowered women to listen to their own voices. ‘Do I want to have sex? Or am I going to have sex because he wants to have sex.’”
It’s not just women who are affected by DTF’s toxicity. Whitney adds, “Men are still beholden to heteronormative gender roles, but I think there is more acceptance now. You can be a man and have feelings — basically, you can be a human being.”
As to how Whitney would reappropriate DTF, she says, “I’m down to fight patriarchy.”
Francesca Vuillemin is a Fashion Market Editor at Reserved Magazine, which recently launched their “Equal Means Equal” ad, a push for equal pay for women in media. She’s also a kick-ass astrologer, a dear friend — and was my date to OkCupid’s launch celebration for their new campaign. We took “upside down” pictures in their photo booth (the clouds were at our feet and flowers above our heads) to overturn the old DTF narrative. We pretended to fall from the sky, flailing our arms — which proved difficult for the photographer to capture. He finally politely asked us to be still and strike a pose.
We browsed the ads screened on the surrounding walls, while drinking vodka cucumber cocktails. Francesca was particularly struck by the playfulness and tender connection in the ads “rather than just expressing one’s carnal side.” For instance, a woman carrying another woman with a red rose, gazing into her eyes, stood against a bright pink, background in one of the images.
“The problem with DTF is it’s been framed from the man’s perspective,” Francesca said. “And for me, the reappropriation of DTF would certainly be more about bonding, but would also create space for women who just want to have casual, consensual sex, to do so without the stigma.”
Women’s voices are being heard now more than ever which allows for a shifting narrative for both men and women. “The times are changing, allowing men to express their feminine sides and women to express their sexual sides without judgment.”
As to how she would reappropriate DTF, she says “Down to feel a deep spiritual connection.”
“So casual, consensual sex with a deep spiritual connection?” I ask her.
“Yes,” she laughs. “I have a Scorpio moon.”
Keren Eldad is a celebrity life and dating coach whom I had the pleasure of working with. I tried her Date With Enthusiasm program and it worked! (I’m dating someone very special.) She’s all about switching the narrative in your head. I had to work on my self- worth and shift my own negative patterning from “I don’t deserve” to “I do.”
Keren thinks OkCupid’s Wieden + Kennedy campaign has “hit the nail on the head” by “hacking DTF and changing the story.”
“Wieden + Kennedy has done an excellent job at stage one: Distract. When you have a train going 100 miles an hour at a tree you cannot just stop it. You must divert it. So [likening DTF to a runaway train] reappropriating the F is a great first step. You deserve not just ‘better’ you deserve ‘exactly what you want.’”
Keren advises singles to keep the movement in motion by “minding your own vibe” and coining your own phase, whether it’s Down to find love, or simply Down to love.
These three women I spoke with all have different histories, different goals, different wants—in love and in life. But they can all agree that changing the meaning of the F in DTF is the first step. Whether it’s Down to fight patriarchy, Down to find a deep spiritual connection, or Down to Love —now, I’m down with all that.
Written by Jasmine Lobe.
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Time’s up for DTF was originally published in The OkCupid Blog on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
