Daily Archives: May 13, 2015
The 10 Most Dangerous Phrases In A Relationship
The 10 Most Dangerous Phrases In A Relationship
You’re on your best behavior when you first start dating someone: polite to a fault, quick to suggest sharing dessert (later, you enter “order your own!” territory), and really, truly careful about what you say.
Then, somewhere down the line, you get comfortable. A little more loose-lipped. You say things you don’t mean.
An apology generally goes a long way, but some things said in the heat of the moment may be irreversibly damaging to your relationship. Below, 10 phrases you should banish from your argument arsenal.
1. Anything that begins with “you always” or “you never.”
There’s no hope of having a productive conversation once you or your S.O. makes sweeping accusations against each other, said Virginia Gilbert, licensed marriage and family therapist.
“Uttering these words will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Instead of getting what you want, the two of you will spend the rest of the evening — or the rest of your relationship — debating who’s right. Instead, use ‘I’ statements. For instance, ‘I feel that I’m usually the one to say ‘I love you’ and it would make me feel good if you could say it first sometimes.’ Keeping the focus on your needs instead of pointing out your partner’s shortcomings — as glaring as they may be — invites an opportunity for positive change.”
2. “Why do you want to do that? You never used to like to [fill in the blank].”
Healthy, long-lasting relationships involve two people who are able to grow together. You’re different people than the ones you were when you first met, so don’t freak out or assume there’s some ulterior motive if your partner changes his or her habits.
“You each need room to grow,” said relationship author and divorce attorney Christina Pesoli. “Just as you wouldn’t be threatened by him updating his wardrobe or growing a beard, you shouldn’t be threatened when he updates his hobbies, either. Developing a new interest isn’t a threat to your relationship, but your refusal to allow him or her to do so is. If you’re with someone who never tries anything new, your relationship will eventually grow stale. So as long as he’s not talking about learning to cook meth or joining ISIS, try embracing his new hobbies.”
3. “You’re overreacting!”
Related, equally annoying-as-hell phrases include: “You’re being too sensitive.” “Don’t get so defensive!” “Calm down.” Let one of these sentences slip and you’ll more than likely find yourself in the proverbial dog house, said William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
“Saying this is a favorite of men trying to get women to stop being upset,” he said. “It’s never worked in human history, but why not keep trying? The problem is that when in the midst of being upset, no one thinks their feelings are unjustified, and thus they feel unheard and put down. It would make anyone madder.”
4. “Mmmhmm. Mmmhmm. Wait — what did you say?”
Think you’ve mastered the art of scrolling through Instagram while pretending to listen to your S.O. talk? Think again.
“Eventually, your partner will conclude that you’re not all that interested in what he has to say — and it’s hard to argue with that,” Pesoli said. “Talking to someone who doesn’t really care about what you’re saying can be hard on the ol’ self esteem — especially when that someone is your significant other. Being too busy to listen every once in a while is understandable. Being too busy to listen all the time is a relationship killer.”
5. “I told you so.”
What, you thought we’d get through this list without including this classic example?
“Say ‘I told you so’ one too many times and pretty soon, resentment sets in,” dating expert Marina Sbrochi said. “No one likes to be thought of as dumb. Try empathy instead and see how your relationship grows.”
6. “Not tonight (or tomorrow night, or any night), honey.”
You and your partner aren’t always going to be on the same page when it comes to sex. You each should absolutely feel free to say, “Not really in the mood after that brick-sized carnitas burrito.” But you don’t want “not tonight, not ever” to become the norm.
“Defaulting to ‘not tonight’ is a bad habit to form,” said Pesoli. “Physical intimacy is what makes your relationship with your significant other different than any of your other relationships; otherwise, the two of you are just roommates who may or may not have kids together. If the fire goes out in the bedroom, there’s no question that your relationship will be in peril. Making a little effort to have sex with your S.O. is almost always a good idea.”
7. “What’s wrong with you?”
Below-the-belt personal attacks have no place in a healthy, loving relationship. Your goal should be to prop your partner up and be his or her cheerleader in hard times, not to bring them down.
“If you find yourself saying something like ‘Are you that stupid?’ ‘What kind of a parent does that?’ or ‘You’re just like your mother,’ you need to cease and desist,” said marriage therapist Becky Whetstone.
8. “I don’t believe you.”
There are bound to be times when you suspect your partner is bending the truth a bit — or a lot. It’s how you relay your skepticism that will move you closer to discovering the whole story.
“Maybe you really do suspect he or she has feelings for someone else, for instance, but there’s a better way to go about it than accusing your partner of lying,” said Doherty. “Saying ‘I don’t believe you’ is inflammatory and almost always backfires. A better version is this: ‘I’m having trouble believing you are telling me the whole story.'”
9. “I want a divorce.”
When you threaten to breakup or divorce, you’re pulling out the big guns . You may have deep regrets about saying it later, but the damage is done. As idle as the threat may be, the message to your partner is loud and clear: you already have one foot out the door. And who wants to be in a relationship like that?
“Simply put, it’s emotional blackmail,” said Whetstone. “If what you say has a tone of ‘if you don’t do this, you’ll pay or I’ll leave,’ it’s eventually going to take a toll on your partner.”
10. “If you really loved me, you’d…”
Nope. Stop right there. Your partner shouldn’t ever feel pressured to do something he or she doesn’t want to do to prove his or her love for you.
“There’s nothing like guilt combined with a stealthy ultimatum to drain the love right out of a relationship,” said Gilbert. “Instead of trying to manipulate your partner, be transparent about what you want: ‘I miss spending time with you and I’d like to have a regular date night’ is a direct, non-confrontational approach that’s far more likely to get you the love you want than holding your partner hostage emotionally.”
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Blame Islam, Not Christianity, For Antigay Wedding Cake Bakers, Rush Limbaugh Says
Blame Islam, Not Christianity, For Antigay Wedding Cake Bakers, Rush Limbaugh Says
Radio host and religious extremist Rush Limbaugh has a word of advice to Christian bakers who are opposed to making gay wedding cakes: Blame Islam.
“Gay marriage is really disapproved in Islam,” Limbaugh recently blabbered on his radio program. “Gay marriage, homosexual behavior is not tolerated, it is not permitted, and it is punished severely when it is caught, when it’s spied.”
“And yet,” he continued, “in American media all over the place we are celebrating gay marriage, we are flaunting gay marriage, and I ask, does this not also offend Muslims?”
Related: Gay Muslim Risks Death Filming Secret Documentary On Pilgrimage To Mecca
Based on that logic, Limbaugh believes he’s come up with the perfect solution for the next time an antigay baker is asked to make a gay wedding cake.
“Instead of telling the gay couple that you refuse to bake the cake for their wedding because you disapprove of homosexuality,” he said, “you should now say you are not going to bake a cake for the gay wedding because you fear Muslim backlash.”
This is not satire. He really believes what he says, it seems.
Better yet, he said, tell them you cannot bake a cake “due to your respect of Islam.”
“Any of you small business owners who think you’re gonna get a visit from a gay couple asking you for your product or service at a gay wedding just say, ‘Nah, nah, nah, we refuse because of our respect of Islam. We can’t.’ Don’t say anything about your religion. Don’t say anything about it’s your religion that prevents you from doing it. Say it’s Islam.”
Related: Elton John Reveals The Reason For His Controversial Relationship With Rush Limbaugh
Graham Gremore
Ireland's Marriage Opponents Channel Anita Bryant With 'Save Our Children' Messaging
Ireland's Marriage Opponents Channel Anita Bryant With 'Save Our Children' Messaging
There are nine days left until a vote that will decide the fate of marriage equality in Ireland, and the anti-equality forces are trotting out some tired old arguments.
Thom Senzee
Blond Jesus: Singer Garrett Miller's Creative Eucharist For Marriage Equality and Beyond
Blond Jesus: Singer Garrett Miller's Creative Eucharist For Marriage Equality and Beyond
The festive and rainbow-decorated month of June approaches and Gay Pride soirees are afoot. But the time is also ripe with other potential celebrations. The U.S. Supreme Court is expected to give birth to a ruling for Marriage Equality soon.
All eyes are certainly on that … which it makes it all the more refreshing to come across a gay recording artist on a mission. Singer-songwriting Garrett Miller may not be the real incarnation of a Gay Messiah but on the creative front, he’s definitely rising to the occasion. His new album Blond Jesus drops May 15 and on it, Miller hopes to stoke the marriage equality fires in a powerful way.
The album’s title certainly captures one’s attention but so, too, does one of the work’s more prominent tracks, an anthem aptly released just in time for Pride. Dubbed “It’s A Nice Day For A Gay Wedding!” the song and video take audiences from the Stone Ages to celebrating marriage equality. It culls from Billy Idol’s 1982 hit “White Wedding” and is positioned to become one of the more memorable tracks for Pride month and beyond.
Blond Jesus boasts 11 rock, pop and dance tracks in all. The intent is clear: To inspire people to live out their dreams, accept and love who they are and those around them, and surrender to a life that is designed to be exhilarating. Debra Wilson of MAD-TV fame lends her powerful vocals to one of the more Top 40-worthy tracks–“Sweat & Testify”–as does award-winning singer/songwriter Kelly Fitzgerald on the festive “Witch Sisters Halloween.” Other songs include “Blond Jesus,” “So Long Mr. Nice Guy,” “Bouffants & Beehives,” “I AM,” “Memories That Time Forgot,” “Unlike You, Numbers Game” and a hard rock-inspired “Face.”
In an era where civil rights and marriage equality are destined to rise above a decades-long suppression, Blond Jesus materializes at the perfect time. Here, Miller opens up about the creative process and other divinely inspired things.
Greg Archer: Tell me about the genesis behind Blond Jesus? From where did the album idea emerge?
Garrett Miller: While recording the album, I’d written lyrics for some harder, edgier songs like “Face Front” and “So Long Mr. Nice Guy” and started evolving into who I am now: less corporate suit and tie; more authentic, rougher around the edges. Blond Jesus came to me when I was at Scott and Renee Baio’s Ugly Sweater Christmas party. I’d arrived wearing a hideous homemade concoction I’d hot glued together earlier in the day. I knew a few people, but most guests I was meeting for the first time. Here I am, proudly wearing this super ugly sweater, long blond hair, scruffy beard. At some point during the night, some of the ladies started affectionately asking “Where is that Blond Jesus guy?”
On the way home the radio started cranking out the Bee Gee’s ‘Stayin’ Alive.’ I can’t make this up. It hit me right then, and I smiled. I thought it would be a great social commentary to use the “controversial” title, write, on the surface, a “controversial” song that was also an awesome dance track. When I got home I messaged my producer, Brian Pothier, and said, “B–I’ve got to do one more, and you’re going to freak when I tell you about it.”
I sat down and opened up my heart on that piece of paper. For all my life I’ve just gone along with the flow, didn’t rock the boat–you know, because that’s the way it was. Everywhere you look–the news, Facebook, everywhere. It’s this political or religious so-called “leader” professing the dumbest things I’ve ever heard, like, “You’re going to hell because you ate the wrong kind of cheese sandwich on a Tuesday!” “You’re a sinner because you don’t love people the way I think you should love people–and I’ll also throw in a convenient ‘The Bible says’ so you know it’s official by quoting and/or misinterpreting my rants to suit whatever hate I feel like will best serve me and get me a sound bite tonight.” So let me get this, we’re supposed to believe everything you vomit simply because you use “The Bible says …” Really?
In writing Blond Jesus, I decided I was going to take a stand for my relationship with God. Because all of nonsense vomit these “leaders” continued to spew, does not describe my relationship with God. I’d ask people “What do you think of what that person said?” and their response would always be, “That’s not my relationship with God, either. I don’t know who they think they’re speaking for, but they’re not speaking for me. Blond Jesus speaks for me.
Greg Archer: Talk about the track “… Gay Wedding.” It’s a lively, uplifting track and video for that matter. What did you hope to convey through it?
Garrett Miller: It’s almost June 2015 when the U.S. Supreme Court is expected to rule in favor of Marriage Equality in all 50 states. Long overdue. I can’t wait for my fellow LGBT brothers and sisters to be able to get married and officially receive the same Federal benefits heterosexual couples receive. There are more than 1,000 benefits married couples receive that LGBT couples do not. When people say they’re “fine” with gays and lesbians, but they shouldn’t have the right to get married–it’s always “fine” until you want to act like a bigot. The time is now for Marriage Equality. It’s time.
Greg Archer: What do you love most about singing and performing?
Garrett Miller: It’s the most fun I’ve had doing anything in my life. I won’t claim to be the best singer in the world. I have fun. I’m passionate about singing. This is what I want to do forever, and I want people to have fun when they hear me perform.
Greg Archer: What do you love most about songwriting?
Garrett Miller: I love telling a good story. Get me in a room and turn me loose. I like taking you on a journey with each song. Everything on the album is my truth for the last couple of years in my life. I’m telling stories that are good, bad, ugly, and fun. A lot of fun.
Greg Archer: What do you hope to communicate, overall, through this work?
Garrett Miller: People who have heard a preview of a couple of the songs on the album always ask, “Do all of your songs revolve around God?” I have to laugh, because that’s not what it’s about. OK–“Blond Jesus” is a giveaway right there, but its a social commentary and meant to stir up controversy. At least until you hear it and love it for what its really saying. On “Sweat & Testify,” references make a point, but it’s about finding the strength to make things happen. I mean stop whining and waiting for someone else to save your day! Believe in miracles. Make miracles happen. Get off the cross, we need the wood. Do it yourself.
I want people to get inspired with my music. I want people to listen and think, “I can do great things in my life! I can create a world I want to live in! I can make a difference in my life and the lives around me! I don’t have to settle for the Status Quo!” And dancing. Always lots of dancing.
Greg Archer: There is definitely a deeper message within all of this.
Garrett Miller: I always say “Believe and receive, attract and allow.” It’s powerful when you do your best to live life this way. With Blond Jesus, I want people to know it’s OK to be who you are. You are loved. You are a shining star. You can make your dreams come true. You can do anything you want to in life–make it great! You’ve got one go-round on your mortal coil, spend it doing things that make you happy.
Greg Archer: Best advice you’ve been given about being a recording artist?
Garrett Miller: Breathe. Learn to breathe. You can’t sing if you’re not breathing right. Take a deep breath before your next big line(s). And breathe some more in between.
Greg Archer: Best advice you’ve been given about life?
Garrett Miller: I’m a big fan of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence Others.” In the last couple years I’ve also read Bob Burg’s “Go Givers” books and love his message–[sic] do things authentically in your life you are passionate about and you will be successful. Paul Coelho’s “The Alchemist” is simply one of the most brilliantly written full circle stories I’ve ever read. It helps me understand life every day.
It’s funny, sometimes you’ll get a message given to you in life, and if you’re not ready, you won’t understand it. When you are ready, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Now when things happen, I do my best to sit back and go, “What’s my lesson in this? How can I improve from this? What can I do better next time?” I’m learning something new every day.
Greg Archer: Best advice a Blond Jesus can pass along to others right now?
Garrett Miller: Blond Jesus says: “Don’t be a dick.”
Learn more about Garrett Miller and Blond Jesus here.
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Austin Tempers and Temperatures Rise as Legislative Clock Winds Down
Austin Tempers and Temperatures Rise as Legislative Clock Winds Down
With hundreds of bills yet to be considered by the Texas legislature in the remaining 36 hours before a key legislative deadline, the frantic pace has made it pretty hot inside the state house dome in Austin.
HRC.org
www.hrc.org/blog/entry/watching-the-texas-legislature-like-a-hawk?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss-feed
Pitch Perfect Parodies Bring Out The Best In Aspiring Vocalists
Pitch Perfect Parodies Bring Out The Best In Aspiring Vocalists
An old adage tells us that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If this is true, the filmmakers of the 2012 smash hit Pitch Perfect (and its hotly-anticipated sequel Pitch Perfect 2, which opens in theaters Friday) should feel highly honored. The comedy, which chronicled the journey of the Barden Bellas, a rag tag group of collegiate a cappella vocalists, as they vie to win the national competition, not only evoked a huge response from moviegoers, it also unleashed an almost unparalleled number of loving parodies. Everyone from prolific parodist Todrick Hall to a group of sex and talented military guys to every high school student with a camera tried to one up Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson and the other Bellas. Scroll down to see some of our favorites.
Todrick Hall is just about peerless when it comes to creating inspired musical parodies.
There’s much to be said for military men who serve both their country and a cappella realness.
These unidentified high school kids give it their all.
These talented seniors at Coppell High School in Texas could go all the way to Nationals themselves.
Jeremy Kinser
European Human Rights Court Rules in Favor of Georgian Gay Rights Activists
European Human Rights Court Rules in Favor of Georgian Gay Rights Activists
Georgian gay rights activists won a small victory after the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg ruled on May 12 that Georgian authorities must compensate gay-rights activists after they failed to protect them from assaults at a gay-pride event in May 2012 reports RFERL.org.
The 2012 incident involved activists attempting to host the nation’s first gay pride march in Tbilisi to celebrate the U.N.’s International Day Against Homophobia. However, orthodox clerics and activists attempted to block the peaceful LGBT activists; many of the LGBT activists suffered physical and verbal assaults at the hands of the orthodox activists.
LGBT Tbilisi-based group Identoba and dozens of other activists are expect to receive between 1,500 and 4,000 euros ($1,675-$4,465) in compensation from the government. The ECHR also ruled that a violation of Article 3 occurred that prohibits individuals from enduring inhuman or degrading treatment in conjunction with a violation of Article 14 that bans outright discrimination.
Since 2012’s event Georgian LGBT activists have experienced escalating violence at demonstrations and rallies from Georgian Orthodox Church clerics and proponents.
Anthony Costello
gay #lez #lgbt #girlswholikegirls #lesbiansofinstagram #lesbian…
WATCH: Texas Attorney General Unsure If He'll Listen to Supreme Court on Marriage
WATCH: Texas Attorney General Unsure If He'll Listen to Supreme Court on Marriage
As Texas considers more antigay bills, Attorney General Ken Paxton gets ornery over questions about abiding by a potential pro-equality ruling from the Supreme Court.
Dawn Ennis