How to Be a Lesbian: Our Burning Questions Answered

How to Be a Lesbian: Our Burning Questions Answered
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I’ve been learning how to be a lesbian lately, because my boyfriend and I opened our relationship last year.

“Open relationship,” for us, means we’re still committed to each other but also date other people. So I get to be a lesbian sometimes, and he gets to be, um, the same. But with more sex.

Ten productive months into being a sometimes-lesbian, I still have a lot of questions. So I reached out to Natashia Mower, this lesbian I know personally,* to set me, well, gay, I guess.

Dana: Where can I find the best vests? Is there a special store online?

Natashia: You don’t actually find the best vests; the best vests find you. Be patient; it’ll happen. My favorite vest didn’t find me until I had been out of the closet for almost six years. (Things would’ve been so much easier if the vest had been in the closet I came out of.)

Dana: How short does my hair have to be before they’ll know I’m gay? What styles read “bicurious”?

Natashia: This is heavily debated in the gay community, so I can only give you my personal opinion. Sideburns are tricky and will most likely indicate “straight” or “bicurious.” Trust me; I’ve been side-burned too many times thinking a girl was gay just because she had short hair with sideburns. In my experience, the best method to ensure your hair clearly defines your sexuality is to find a photograph of your father from the late ’70s and go with whatever haircut he had at the time.

Dana: Can my dog be any kind of mutt, or does it have to be a purebred German shepherd?

Natashia: You won’t be kicked out of the lesbians if you have a mutt; we find any breed or mix of breeds acceptable. German shepherds are only so common amongst gay women because they’re like the lesbians of dogs: loyal, capable and they look great in vests. Again, German shepherds aren’t a requirement. It is preferred that you at least have a pet of some kind: dog, cat, gerbil, ant farm, algae, etc. For the record, ferrets are very in right now.

Dana: Is there a class I can take on “EDM for Introverts,” or is that something you just learn from the other lesbians?

Natashia: Well, I hope there’s a class, because I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about right now. I guess I’m just too busy being home alone, avoiding everyone and everything. By the way, can you recommend any good music?

Dana: What is the easiest way to locate my nearest Whole Foods?

Natashia: Get yourself a GPS (gay-positioning system) off of Amazon, $35. It will point you towards the nearest Whole Foods, Lady Foot Locker and the renovated garage where my ex-girlfriend Trinity grooms homeless dogs.

Dana: Is there a cheaper version of Birkenstocks? (How is a barista supposed to afford those?)

Natashia: Stirkenbocks, found at Payless, Shoe Carnival and some farmer’s markets. They are very uncomfortable. Stirkenbocks!

Dana: How long into a first date should I wait to give her a key to my apartment?

Natashia: Immediately, if not before the date. If that’s too fast for you, judge based on how the date is going. For example, if the date is going well, give her the key right before you order your food. You may have a love-at-first-sight scenario, in which case you will want to have come prepared with what’s referred to as a “bouquet of keys” (a key ring with a copy of every key you have), a romantic tradition started by lesbian janitors.

Dana: Tofu, tempei, seitan: Which really tastes like chicken?

Natashia: This is a common misconception wherein people confuse gay women with people who have money. I don’t have money. Is the answer chicken? Chicken tastes like chicken.

Dana: So that I’m not lost in a conversation, what are some of the must-know fanfic sites?

Natashia: FictionElle, FictionEllen and FictionL-Word are the three most popular and are currently part of various lawsuits against each other, for obvious reasons.

Dana: How many bumper stickers is too many — or too few?

Natashia: Quality over quantity, I say. If you pull up to a coffee shop or lesbian bar in a Subaru that is plastered in a variety of bumper stickers, the only thing it will say about you is that you couldn’t afford a new paint job. Think very carefully about your personal values, opinions and which secondhand bookstore you most want to advertise for.

Dana: Are there great trails for hiking anywhere in the U.S., or do I need to move west to be a lesbian?

Natashia: When you’re a lesbian, you can hike anywhere. As long as you’re a homosexual lady walking outside, it counts. It’s called dykeing.

Dana: Now that I’m a lesbian, will I still get into Heaven — sorry, Sheaven?

Natashia: As long as you never renounce your lesbianism and never murder anyone, you will most likely get into Sheaven. Heaven, on the other hand, isn’t a real place.

*No we’re not sleeping together. But you’re right; that would be hot.

Natashia Mower is a stand-up comedian from Salt Lake City. She was recently nominated for a Salt Lake City Weekly Arty Award for best local stand-up and moved into her parents’ garage around the same time. Follow her on Twitter @tashiamo.

Dana Sitar is still not sure how to dance to EDM. You can find more stories and resources from her at WritersBucketList.com.

www.huffingtonpost.com/dana-sitar/how-to-be-a-lesbian-our-b_b_6618250.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

Several Alabama Probate Judges Say They Won't Issue Marriage Licenses To Same-Sex Couples

Several Alabama Probate Judges Say They Won't Issue Marriage Licenses To Same-Sex Couples

Allen

Several probate judges in Alabama say they won’t issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples on Monday — when a stay expires on a federal district judge’s ruling striking down the state’s marriage ban. 

MSNBC reports: 

Of the 26 probate judges msnbc was able to contact Friday, 18 said they were planning on issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples next week. But Liberty Counsel, an anti-marriage equality litigation and policy organization, said it was already representing five Alabama judges who would not be issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples on Monday, and that more judges could soon be seeking the group’s representation.

Assuming the U.S. Supreme Court doesn’t issue a stay over the weekend, same-sex couples can begin applying for marriage licenses Monday morning. 

The Troy Messenger reports that Pike County Probate Judge Wes Allen (above) plans to stop issuing marriage licenses altogether to avoid providing them to same-sex couples, which he says would violate his religious beliefs: 

“The people of Pike County elected me to perform my duties and they also elected me because of who I am and the values I live by,” Allen said. “I am choosing to take the Pike County Probate Office out of the marriage licensing business altogether. That is completely within my rights under the laws of Alabama.”

Allen cited state law, specifically Alabama Code Section 30-1-9, which states “Marriage licenses may be issued by the judges of probate of the several counties.”

Allen said the word “may” in the statue shows that Alabama law does not mandate that he issue marriage licenses.

He also cited Alabama Law Code Section 30-1-7, which he said gives Probate Judges discretion regarding the performance of marriage ceremonies.

“The word ‘may’ implies that I have a choice,” Allen said. “At this time, I am exercising my right to choose not to issue any marriage licenses to anyone.”

Interestingly, Allen is also citing Alabama’s “license to discriminate” law — the Alabama Religious Freedom Amendment — which states that, “Governments should not burden religious exercise without compelling justification.” Alabama is the only state that has enshrined a Religious Freedom law — known as a RFRA — in its state Constitution. More from Allen: 

“I believe that the Alabama Constitution and federal law protect my right to both live my life as a Christian and perform my elected duties,” Allen said. “The way that the law allows me to do that is by giving me the discretion to end the issuance of marriage licenses, and that is the legal course I am taking.”

Rogue Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has advised probate judges they don’t have to issue same-sex marriage licenses, arguing the state isn’t bound by federal court rulings on the issue, which prompted an ethics complaint from the Southern Poverty Law Center.

According to The Troy Messenger, probate judges in Chilton, Elmore and Geneva counties have said they will stop performing marriages but may continue to issue marriage licenses. 

The Demopolis Times reports that Marengo County Probate Judge Laurie Hall will still issue marriage licenses but will not sign them: 

“I have been advised that licenses must still be made available through the Probate Office; thus, begrudgingly, licenses will remain available through the Probate Office until and unless I am notified and advised otherwise,” Hall said. “Marriage licenses are processed through the Vital Statistics division of the Alabama Department of Public Health, which has informed the Probate Judges Association that, despite the absence of the signature of the Probate Judge, licenses will still be accepted and processed. Based on that information, I will not be placing my signature on marriage licenses. I continue to pray for our county, state and country, and the leaders and citizens thereof, and ask for your prayers, as well.”

Despite the resistance from some probate judges, the Alabama Department of Public Health is preparing for the possible arrival of same-sex marriage on Monday — issuing new gender-neutral license forms that replace “bride” and “groom” with “first listed spouse and “second listed spouse.” 

 


John Wright

www.towleroad.com/2015/02/alabama.html

If You Thought Paris Hilton Was Bad, Wait Until You Meet Her Homophobic Younger Brother Conrad III

If You Thought Paris Hilton Was Bad, Wait Until You Meet Her Homophobic Younger Brother Conrad III

Screen Shot 2015-02-06 at 3.45.29 PMFile this under news that should shock no one: Paris Hilton’s younger brother Conrad is an entitled brat.

On a recent flight from London to Los Angeles, Conrad, 20, caused so much of a ruckus that he’s now facing Federal charges for threatening the flight crew and smoking aboard the plane.

He also made children cry with his profanity-laced tirades and called everyone who dared be annoyed by his antics “peasants.” Which might not be illegal, but are certainly grade-A douchey.

Oh, and he also almost punched a fellow passenger who he thought was giving him “fuck me” eyes.

Expect a reality show soon to come.

The Washington Post detailed the embarrassment in surprising detail.

Here are the juicy parts: 

  • “‘I told all of them I could get all of their jobs taken away in less than thirty seconds,’ Hilton said, according to the complaint, as he recalled his interactions with flight attendants.”
  • “‘My father will pay this out, he has done it before. Dad paid $300,000 last time,’ Hilton allegedly said.”
  • “Hilton apparently began smoking marijuana in one bathroom, then ran to another bathroom and began smoking a cigarette after apparently stuffing the smoke detector with paper towels.”

If convicted, Hilton could face up to 20 years in prison.

Hah! Almost got that out with with a straight face. We expect four moths probation at maximum.

Somewhere in a very tastefully appointed Hollywood office, a publicist is likely talking about how this is a “great opportunity” for his career.

Dan Tracer

feedproxy.google.com/~r/queerty2/~3/Ltw4u_lQh94/if-you-thought-paris-hilton-was-bad-wait-until-you-meet-her-homophobic-younger-brother-conrad-iii-20150206

The Importance of Having Gay Video Game Characters: VIDEO

The Importance of Having Gay Video Game Characters: VIDEO

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In a video for PBS Digital’s Game/Show, Jamin Warren discusses the power of having explicitly gay characters in video games. Gaming franchises like Fable and the Sims have long-offered players the ability to create unique characters with customizable sexualities. But, as Warren explains, there’s something to be said for queer characters whose sexualities are set in stone. In particular Warren singles out BioWare’s Dragon Age: Inquisition and Dorian, its resident gay magic user, for crafting a story in which Dorian’s sexuality is integral to the character’s personality, but not burdensome to the game’s plot.

PbsIn the same way that gay gamers have come to be able to identify with straight characters with vastly different perspectives from their own, it stands to reason that straight gamers could benefit from the same experience by playing as queer characters.

Check out Jamin Warren’s explanation of why explicitly-gay video game characters are important AFTER THE JUMP

 

 


Charles Pulliam-Moore

www.towleroad.com/2015/02/the-importance-of-having-gay-video-game-characters-video.html