The Psychology Of Breaking Up: Why Saying “Goodbye” Can Be The Greatest Act Of Love

The Psychology Of Breaking Up: Why Saying “Goodbye” Can Be The Greatest Act Of Love

GayWeddingCakeTopperTorn640In the last installment of his four-part relationship series, therapist Matthew Dempsey covers the uncomfortable, painful, often visceral ending to so many of our sincere adventures in love — the breakup.

Why do we break up? What does it mean? Will I be alone forever or what?!

As Matthew puts it, “It’s really easy for us to mistake comfort with compatibility, and any time that there’s any kind of conflict, it’s like ‘Whoa, maybe this is a red flag, maybe we’re not actually meant to be together.’” But those are opportunities to work — work on ourselves, on our communication, and on keeping sight of what’s important.

It’s those other times, when our essential needs aren’t being met, that a breakup might be on the horizon.

But fear not! You aren’t a failure at love, you’re just an evolving creature with ever-changing needs. And as Matthew aptly puts it, relationships involve putting egos aside and staying attune to each other. Sometimes, that means calling it quits and reviving that Tinder account.

Here’s Matthew explaining it much better that we can: 

Dan Tracer

feedproxy.google.com/~r/queerty2/~3/cC9KTEZrtnc/the-psychology-of-breaking-up-why-saying-goodbye-can-be-the-greatest-act-of-love-20150204

Michigan Governor: State Will Recognize 300+ Same-Sex Marriages That Took Place in March

Michigan Governor: State Will Recognize 300+ Same-Sex Marriages That Took Place in March

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder announced today that the state would recognize more than 300 same-sex marriages that took place last March after the state’s ban was struck down but before the Sixth Circuit suspended the ruling.

SnyderOn January 15 U.S. District Court Judge Mark Goldsmith ordered the state of Michigan to recognize the marriages and Wednesday Snyder said he would not appeal that ruling.

Said Snyder in a statement:

“The judge has determined that same-sex couples were legally married on that day, and we will follow the law and extend state marriage benefits to those couples.

“I appreciate that the larger question will be addressed by the U.S. Supreme Court this year. This is an issue that has been divisive across our country. Our nation’s highest court will decide this issue. I know there are strong feelings on both sides of this issue, and it’s vitally important for an expedient resolution that will allow people in Michigan, as well as other states, to move forward together on the other challenges we face.”

The case challenging Michigan’s ban on gay marriage is set to go before the U.S. Supreme Court this year, along with challenges to bans in three other states that fall within the Sixth Circuit’s jurisdiction.


Andy Towle

www.towleroad.com/2015/02/michigan-governor-state-will-recognize-300-same-sex-marriages-that-took-place-in-march.html

Rick Snyder: Michigan To Recognize 300 Gay Marriages From 2014

Rick Snyder: Michigan To Recognize 300 Gay Marriages From 2014
Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder (R) announced Wednesday that the state will recognize some 300 same-sex marriages conducted in 2014.

The governor faced a deadline Wednesday to either appeal a recent ruling by U.S. District Judge Mark A. Goldsmith, or let stand the judge’s injunction requiring Michigan to recognize the several hundred gay marriages conducted on March 22, 2014, when the state’s ban on gay marriage was temporarily lifted. Snyder had 21 days to appeal Goldsmith’s ruling.

“The judge has determined that same-sex couples were legally married on that day, and we will follow the law and extend state marriage benefits to those couples,” Snyder said in a statement, according to the AP.

Michigan is one of four states whose gay marriage bans were upheld by a 2-1 decision of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 6th Circuit. The U.S. Supreme Court decided in January to take up the decision. The court’s ruling, expected by June, could end the debate on gay marriage in the United States once and for all.

Snyder called on his fellow Republicans in January to keep up efforts to end discrimination against LGBT individuals by amending the state’s Elliott-Larsen Civil Rights Act, which protects citizens against discrimination based on race, age, sex and religion, but doesn’t protect against discrimination based on sexual orientation.

“Let’s keep up that dialogue and let’s show that we can deal with issues of discrimination in our state,” he said during his fifth State of the State address.

However, that same month, Snyder remained silent as the state’s attorney general argued for Michigan’s gay marriage ban. The governor’s own position on gay marriage has been described as “head-spinning.”

www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/04/gay-marriage-michigan_n_6615410.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

The Ridiculous Game of Hook-Up Apps Condensed Into One Infographic

The Ridiculous Game of Hook-Up Apps Condensed Into One Infographic

If you’re a gay (or bisexual) man with a smartphone in your pocket, then there’s a good chance that you’ve dealt with suppressing a Pavlovian response to this tone at least once or twice. Grindr, regardless of how you feel about it, has become a flawless fixture in the lives of many queer men looking to build long-lasting, meaningful relationships centered around common interests.

Navigating your way around Grindr can sometimes be super-difficult, but this infographic from GrabHim is a handy little flowchart to help you tap your way to Mr. Right with little to no hassle. Some key takeaways: endowment is everything, body fat is a sin, and no one is to be trusted.

Click the graphic below for an expanded view.

Phone_infographic-FULL-Size


Charles Pulliam-Moore

www.towleroad.com/2015/02/the-ridiculous-game-of-hook-up-apps-condensed-into-one-infographic.html

Political Correctness and its Diffusion into the Trans Community

Political Correctness and its Diffusion into the Trans Community
Last week I wrote about a Twitterbombing I received for my column on the controversy at Mt. Holyoke College over The Vagina Monologues. Unbeknownst to me, the debate about political correctness, which last reared its ugly head a quarter of a century ago, has been engaged in earnest once again. Jonathan Chait in New York Magazine , and J. Bryan Lowder, in response to Chait, in Slate, both had interesting takes on the issue from a broader perspective. My experience was being attacked by a trans subgroup of the larger progressive community, but the methods, content and tone of the attacks were all from the more universal hymnal.

There are a number of critical terms, such as triggers, microaggressions, mansplaining and its variants, pinkwashing and its variants, and tone policing. Chait sums up his critique with:

But political correctness is not a rigorous commitment to social equality so much as a system of left-wing ideological repression. Not only is it not a form of liberalism; it is antithetical to liberalism. Indeed, its most frequent victims turn out to be liberals themselves.

This reminds me of the state of civil society in Russia in 1917. Having freed itself from autocratic repression earlier in the year, the multiple attempts at creating a democratic parliamentary state failed and control was taken by the Bolsheviks. As part of their consolidation of power they encouraged and enabled the Red Terror, whereby mob justice, in the vacuum created after the fall of the monarchy and its associated civil service, was dealt not based on facts and evidence in the context of objective laws, but simply based on one’s class membership. As Chait explains for today’s p.c. culture:

Under p.c. culture, the same idea can be expressed identically by two people but received differently depending on the race and sex of the individuals doing the expressing.

He later adds examples of the rules that create a prison which stifles all dissent and creates a GW Bush mentality of “you’re either for us or against us.”

If a person who is accused of bias attempts to defend his intentions, he merely compounds his own guilt. (Here one might find oneself accused of man/white/straightsplaining.) It is likewise taboo to request that the accusation be rendered in a less hostile manner. This is called “tone policing.” If you are accused of bias, or “called out,” reflection and apology are the only acceptable response — to dispute a call-out only makes it worse. There is no allowance in p.c. culture for the possibility that the accusation may be erroneous.

This behavior has already created uncomfortable moments of silence on blogs and listserves, as true allies are either afraid to say anything that might be constructive but more likely will generate an attack, or simply check out and move elsewhere.

As a trans activist, I’d like to focus on one class of these terms – triggers and microaggressions. Basically these terms refer to the response by those who feel offended in even the most trivial manner. Minor slights get turned into major traumas, and become subjects of blogposts. A recent example refers to an unfortunate Facebook post by Jill Soloway, creator of the award-winning series, Transparent. The posting was truly offensive to many, ridiculing Bruce Jenner for his apparent gender transition, and was almost immediately taken down by Ms. Soloway with an apology.

But it didn’t end there. Some activists don’t like Transparent because they believe it doesn’t represent them precisely. That’s true, because no program can represent all. Another critique is that the program should have been written by trans persons and performed by trans actors, because only trans persons can play trans persons. That, of course, ignores the entire profession of acting, which is fundamentally about portraying someone other than yourself. Some actors, like Jeffrey Tambor, have done a decent job. Others, like Felicity Huffman, not so much. Regardless, the criticism should be related to the art and not to some politically correct casting.

But this blogger wrote that the Facebook post hurt her, and she will “never ever” trust any cisgender person telling a trans story, because they’re obviously laughing behind her back. I respect her feelings, and her right to share them, but the way to deal with disappointment is to either ignore the stimulus or use it to strengthen yourself, not to compound it by emoting online. It’s a cruel world, all trans persons have PTSD, and the only way to deal with PTSD is to expose yourself to the trauma in a controlled manner, rather than run from it and demand that everyone treat you with respect. It also helps if you can come to a deep understanding that what others think of you is their problem, and not yours.

In a similar vein, Browder’s response to Jonathan Chait’s column referred to an episode dealing with gender neutral pronouns. His column offended many genderqueer persons who demanded an apology and enlightenment on his part.

In my support group work, I encourage parents to respond positively to their children’s request for bespoke gender pronouns, but I do not believe it is acceptable to demand this of the population in general. For one, there are far too many such pronouns. Secondly, most people can’t remember which pronoun goes with which person. Thirdly, I’m offended when someone’s asks me which pronoun I prefer when I consider it perfectly obvious (and it was obvious until the practice of demanding an accounting came into favor with certain subgroups). Finally, I, like most trans persons, and certainly most cis persons, have no desire to destroy the gender binary. I feel no obligation to assist in dismantling it, even if it means offending members of the trans community, and I know I’m not alone.

One can believe in protecting everyone from discrimination and respecting people’s choice of identity without choosing to assist them in their own greater political agenda. There are always conflicting agendas, and I believe the current p.c. agenda, by demanding purity from its allies, is showcasing its inherent weakness. When people can make their point without throwing tantrums they generally do so. Most Americans, when they desexualize their image of gay persons which they were trained to associate with sin and perversion, can understand and accept that they deserve all the same rights and privileges. Most Americans, when they desexualize trans persons and learn that biologically brain sex many differ from genital sex in a small percentage of the population, can understand and accept when a trans person transitions gender. Most Americans do not understand that there are people who accept no gender and as a result demand the language be changed to accommodate them.

Maybe, after years of education and the maturation of the current genderqueer generation, the language will evolve. Maybe not, but the path is not through acting out and alienating one’s allies. As Browder says, “Identity politics does not automatically grant wisdom, critical distance, or indeed, unassailable righteousness,” and “to assert that it is impossible on some fundamental level for those who don’t share that condition to ever relate or speak to that person as merely another human being with ideas and opinions,” in the manner which they demand, is “ridiculous, and it is truly tiresome.”

Boundaries are important in all aspects of life. When dealing with identity issues one’s best recourse is a support group, where love and empathy are the means of engagement. When one is a political advocate, the goal is not making oneself feel better. The goal is to pass the good bill, or block the bad one. It’s not about kumbaya, and the attitude of “we’re doing this so the community on whose behalf we’re advocating feels loved” is dangerous when it threatens the goal of passing legislation. Legislative success may very well enable the community to love itself, which is far more empowering.

Finally, on the 70th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, a wise man said apropos of a statement attributed to the great liberator, Moses (who had his share of identity politics aggravation):

To be free, you have to let go of hate. You have to stop seeing yourself as a victim–or else you will succeed only in making more victims.

And a sense of humor is a big help, too.

www.huffingtonpost.com/dana-beyer/political-correctness-and_b_6614800.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

Nebraska Senators Are Unanimously for Marriage Equality, But Only If You…

Nebraska Senators Are Unanimously for Marriage Equality, But Only If You…

As the perfect example of how trying to rationalize discrimination loses all sense of reason, the Nebraska Legislature yesterday voted 38-0 in favor of an amendment that would recognize same-sex spouses, but only if they are applying for a gun permit and if they are married to someone in the military.
HRC.org

www.hrc.org/blog/entry/nebraska-senators-are-unanimously-for-marriage-equality-but-only-if-you?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss-feed