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‘My Transgender History’
[ Copy + Paste @ translate.google.com ]
Last night before i finally fell asleep i realized i’ve not explained my personal history in some ways on the few Transgender related posts i have here. Today as i slowly wake up, still tired from sleep medication i had to take to cure insomnia i decided i would finally do this.
I knew from a very young age something didn’t quite fit with me, it wasn’t until age 10 in 1985 i saw Transgender people on a Television talk show that i finally understood what i felt and why. Before that day it was confusing, difficult and stressful. Even though that Television show was anything but kind to folks like me, i’ll never forget how happy i was i finally realized i wasn’t alone.
Where i grew up was very intolerant to LGBT people, it also was during a chapter in American history where acceptance and understanding was lacking on a whole but where i am from it was especially ignorant and hateful. I spent my entire teenage life living in fear people would realize this about me and i finally left and moved to Seattle in 1994 at age 19 where i knew i would have freedom to experience a life i wanted.
Age 20, i came out as ‘Bisexual’. I lost friends, i lost my housing and it was traumatic. I still wasn’t ready to be open about my gender and like many i tried to find a balance in living in a cisgendered world and having a private life where i could express this aspect of who i am. It worked for the most part although i wasn’t truly happy or free to be myself.
During my 20’s i focused on my career path and chose to silently struggle unable to be open and honest about my feelings in this way. Had i not chosen that path, i absolutely would have been denied opportunities i enjoyed during those years in employment in both the private sector and working for various Government agencies. I was torn between loving what i did for work and knowing i couldn’t be free to be myself and maintain that life.
In 2004 while working for the State of Washington, i had another serious lung collapse. I have Marfan Syndrome and i was born with tiny blood blisters in the linings of both my lungs due to this. When they ‘pop’ this causes my lung(s) to collapse and i’ve had emergency procedures involving a tube struck between my ribs for days at a time to lessen the pressure in my chest from escaping air. None of it was fun and it was absolutely scary and painful. When this happens, if you don’t have this procedure done soon, your chest fills with air and makes it difficult to breathe and can also affect your heart’s ability to pump blood. It’s a very serious situation and i’m lucky to have survived it.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marfan_syndrome
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pneumothorax
This collapse however i had in 2004 was worse than previous ones. The chest tube procedure didn’t fix it, being admitted to the hospital and having them manually remove air from my chest which was one of the most painful things i’ve endured in life didn’t fix it. I was then scheduled for emergency surgery to save my life.
I had the entire top of my right lung removed, they then manually damaged the outside of my lung and used powder to force my lung to adhere to my inner chest wall during healing. I spent 5 days with an epidural needle in my spine, blacking out from excruciating pain several times every hour with drainage tubes sewn into my side. It took me years to recover from it and now i still occasionally tear scar tissue when sneezing in certain positions or when trying to lift something heavy in certain ways. But, i am fortunate to be alive and thankful it worked.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pleurodesis
The night before that emergency surgery i sat in the hospital bed waiting for this operation. I was forced to think about my life, 29 years of so many things i had experienced, survived… overcoming drug addiction in my early adult life after it nearly caused my death, loss of my Mother as a teenager and many other painful chapters i endured. I thought to myself “Do i have any regrets? Is there anything i would change if i lived through the surgery the next day? Have i lived a life that was meaningful or did i not fully realize my purpose?”
The one thing that hurt me that night before surgery, the one thing i realized i couldn’t live with if i did survive was knowing i had never been free to be myself. I was scared to be open about my gender identity, i was scared i would lose friends as i had when coming out as Bisexual a decade prior, i was scared my family would disown me or not understand and i was scared it would impact my employment.
6 months after that surgery i was finally healed enough to be ready to speak openly, to tell my family i wanted to pursue this, i intended on changing my name and also i finally felt ready to confront friends and my employer with this reality.
I lost friends again, some family members became distant with me as expected and even though Washington State was working on including LGBT people in Civil Rights Law which had not yet passed, my life became a nightmare of hate towards me. My career was destroyed and in the end it altered the course of my life in many difficult ways.
lawfilesext.leg.wa.gov/biennium/2005-06/Pdf/Bills/Session…
The reality is, i’m proud to be what i am but it has come at great expense. I would never change any of this but i will admit it was a tough journey to get to where i am now finally on hormones after many years of struggling with it all during homelessness.
My photography exists ONLY because of these events… None of you would have ever met me here, seen photographs from me if this had not happened. I likely would be working for another Government agency and would be unwilling to be such a public person given that. I likely would have continued with music which i loved in my free time but i had no desire to be known, i just did it because music was my great artistic passion then.
This tattoo on my neck, photographed before my Mohawk returned, i have chosen because who i am and how my life has changed through these events defines me now in so many ways. I may not be the average transgender person in many ways but we are all different, our stories all vary and generally speaking.. It’s not easy for us. I want people to understand this and how much we give up, how much bravery, strength and determination it takes to be one of us.
Those who hate us lack the courage to be one of us is my view. It’s easy to show hate but it’s far less easy to endure it.
It’s easy to be a bigot & a bully, it’s far more difficult to be an educated person and respect others for their differences at times but many manage to do it who aren’t LGBT every day.
Perhaps this info today helps those who’ve become friends here and those who visit me attempting to understand me or people like me better. It’s different for everyone but, this is my story and how i arrived here being the person before you all today.
www.flickr.com/photos/a2n0y6a/49129982647/
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