{"id":96460,"date":"2019-09-14T12:25:33","date_gmt":"2019-09-14T16:25:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/6-red-flags-gay-men-ignore-at-their-peril-when-dating\/"},"modified":"2019-09-14T12:25:33","modified_gmt":"2019-09-14T16:25:33","slug":"6-red-flags-gay-men-ignore-at-their-peril-when-dating","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/6-red-flags-gay-men-ignore-at-their-peril-when-dating\/","title":{"rendered":"6 red flags gay men ignore at their peril when dating"},"content":{"rendered":"

6 red flags gay<\/a> men<\/a> ignore at their peril when dating<\/b><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Love is blind. When a guy<\/a> grabs our attention, we can be willing to overlook all manner of shortcomings in the hope they\u2019re, \u2018the one\u2019.<\/p>\n

Of course, this is not the prerogative of gay<\/a> guys<\/a> only. But years of dealing with internalized homophobia, of being made to feel ashamed of one\u2019s natural feelings, can leave many in the queer community floundering when it comes to forging significant partnerships.<\/p>\n

\u201cFolks ignore red flags because the quest to be partnered is so ingrained in us by society,\u201d says New York City-based psychologist, Dr Tony Ortega<\/a>.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

\u201cThis is even more prominent in the gay<\/a> community as being in a relationship will normalize us against our heterosexual coupled peers. Single people are often considered abnormal. We fear being alone and single. We attend gatherings and the first question asked of us is usually, \u2018Are you seeing someone?\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cThe pressure is on to be partnered so sometimes we will overlook and\/or minimize red flags for the sake of being in the relationship.<\/p>\n

Related: 5 signs he\u2019s ready to get hitched (to you!)<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re ignoring or making excuses for any of the following \u2018red flags\u2019 \u2013 those signs of potential trouble ahead \u2013 take a step back to reassess the situation.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

1. He\u2019s not over his ex<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI remember when I was dating my last boyfriend, I ignored how he was not over his ex from about six months prior,\u201d says Ortega.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne Friday morning, he texted me something along the lines of, \u2018Some days, I just wish I could get in a car and drive away and get away from it all\u2019 in response to a dream he had about his ex.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

\u201cI had initially thought to myself, this is a major red flag but convinced myself that I was being way too picky too early in the \u2018relationship\u2019. As it would turn out, this would have been an opportune time to leave what eventually became a disastrous relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. He doesn\u2019t speak to you with respect<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cPay close attention to how your potential partner speaks to you,\u2019 says Ortega. \u201cDo they talk down to you? Do they ask for your opinion? Do they actively engage with you to get to know you or do they spend the majority of your time together talking about themselves?\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

He goes on, \u201cWhen you bring something to their attention, do they listen or do they deflect? Does he listen and acknowledge what you say? A healthy relationship allows for healthy confrontation. If your paramour is unwilling to listen to your concerns about them, you may want to think twice.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you catch a whiff of being belittled, this may be a red flag.\u201d<\/p>\n

As a side note, it can also be illuminating to note how he treats service staff. Does he talk down to waitresses or cashiers? You can often tell a lot about a person from how they treat people who have little or no power over them.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

Related: After choosing the straight life, this married father of two says he\u2019s actually gay and \u201cin a mess\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

3. He needs to be drunk or on drugs to have a good time<\/strong><\/p>\n

Drunken sex<\/a> can be great sex<\/a>. But sober sex<\/a> is great sex<\/a>, too. If he\u2019s only interested in sex<\/a> after he\u2019s taken something \u201cto help unwind\u201d then it\u2019s worth finding out why.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

\u201cDoes their personality change drastically when they consume alcohol,\u201d asks Ortega. \u201cYou may also want to pay attention to the stories they tell about their escapades. Are these stories always about getting high and having a great time?\u201d<\/p>\n

Oh, and if you\u2019ve both<\/em> got a substance abuse problem, that doesn\u2019t mean your magically compatible and guaranteed a happy ever after. Sorry.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

4. Your friends and family dislike him<\/strong><\/p>\n

Those close to you are likely to have a more impartial view of things. Pay attention to what they say.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve seen many an older guy<\/a> get with a much younger guy<\/a>, often in need of some quick money,\u201d recalls Paul Thorn<\/a>, British author of self-help manual The Broken Heart Toolkit.<\/p>\n

\u201cHis friends point out to him the red flag they can clearly see. \u2018He\u2019s only after one thing. It\u2019s not in your trousers, but your wallet!\u2019 My advice, check out what your close friends think of someone. If love is blind, then hopefully lust isn\u2019t deaf!<\/p>\n

Of course, if you\u2019re family are homophobic as hell and think no man<\/a> is ever going to be as good as a nice woman<\/a>, do not turn to them for advice about your latest paramour.<\/p>\n

5. He wants to keep you a secret<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cDo they keep you away from their friends and loved ones?\u201d asks Ortega. \u201cMany men<\/a> remain closeted from their loved ones. Or maybe they have some sort of secret they are trying to keep from others. Even worse, at a function, they may introduce you as \u2018my friend.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cIf your paramour is not able to introduce you as you are, this is a sure sign that they may not be as committed to the potential relationship or they have secrets they are keeping from their loved ones that will eventually cause problems.\u201d<\/p>\n

Related: 24 closeted Catholic priests tell the NY Times how much their lives suck<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

6. Controlling or abusive behavior<\/strong><\/p>\n

Controlling behavior can include any sort of emotional manipulation. The term \u2018Gaslighting<\/a>\u2019 has been used to describe the way some people attempt to distort someone else\u2019s perception of reality.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the biggest red flags has to be domestic violence,\u201d says Thorn. \u201cOne whiff of anything like that and you should hit the abort button. Accepting such behavior, even once, sets a precedent and an abuser will always try and push the boundaries to see what he can get away with.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

And finally\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s OK to make mistakes,\u201d says Thorn. \u201cHowever, only a fool will not learn from them.<\/p>\n

\u201cJudge a man<\/a> on his actions rather than his words. If it doesn\u2019t feel right, then it probably isn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n<\/a> <\/a>\n<\/div>\n

\nwww.queerty.com\/six-red-flags-gay-men-ignore-peril-dating-20190914?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+queerty2+%28Queerty%29<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

6 red flags gay<\/a> men<\/a> ignore at their peril when dating Love is blind. When a guy<\/a> grabs our attention, we can be willing to overlook all manner of shortcomings in the hope they\u2019re, \u2018the one\u2019. Of course, this is not the prerogative of gay<\/a> guys<\/a> only. But years of dealing with internalized homophobia, of … Continue reading 6 red flags gay men<\/a> ignore at their peril when dating<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2466,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-96460","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"yoast_head":"\n6 red flags gay men ignore at their peril when dating - GAYFRIENDSCHAT.com<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/6-red-flags-gay-men-ignore-at-their-peril-when-dating\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"6 red flags gay men ignore at their peril when dating - GAYFRIENDSCHAT.com\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"6 red flags gay men ignore at their peril when dating Love is blind. 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