{"id":77152,"date":"2019-01-14T14:25:43","date_gmt":"2019-01-14T19:25:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/2019-resolutions-every-gay-man-should-consider-its-complicated\/"},"modified":"2019-01-14T14:25:43","modified_gmt":"2019-01-14T19:25:43","slug":"2019-resolutions-every-gay-man-should-consider-its-complicated","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/2019-resolutions-every-gay-man-should-consider-its-complicated\/","title":{"rendered":"2019 Resolutions Every Gay Man Should Consider\u2026 It\u2019s complicated."},"content":{"rendered":"

2019 Resolutions Every Gay Man Should Consider\u2026 It\u2019s complicated.<\/b><\/p>\n

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2019, Gay Men, and their Resolutions<\/strong><\/h2>\n

This years resolutions felt impossible. I\u2019ve witnessed so much change for queers around the country, more than our forefathers dreamed of, yet many of us are deeply disenfranchised. As I approach 40, I continue to see too many friends process shame and trauma through addiction and suicide.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m now at the age many of my heroes died of AIDS, the roadmaps of their biographies have ended. How can we make it to our senior years together and what will await us once we\u2019re there? We\u2019ve pried open closet doors, changed the law and de-fanged a killer virus but are we using these victories as an excuse for isolation and narcissism? Perhaps this political reality show is the crisis of our generation.<\/p>\n

How can gay<\/a> men<\/a> use our new powers to help other queers through this?\u00a0<\/strong>Though in past years I\u2019ve had moments of soaring inspiration, making resolutions for others is hard when all you have are questions. My single resolution for 2019 is to ask ourselves difficult questions that can center, focus and unite our community for the year ahead.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

How are we confronting racist bullshit?<\/b><\/h3>\n

As a Mexican immigrant, this year was rough<\/i>. I had to ask myself: what is more important to my identity, being gay<\/a> or brown? Rich white gays<\/a> gushing over this president in the NY Times<\/a><\/em>, while brown queers were tear gassed at the border and children who looked like me slept in fucking<\/a> cages<\/i>. At a QPOC bar in San Francisco, a white woman<\/a> and her white gay<\/a> friend called the cops on a black drag queen because her performance was too \u201caggressive.\u201d A queer white woman<\/a> filed a police report on me over a private Facebook argument. Rough.<\/p>\n

It was affirming that all across racial lines, gay<\/a> men<\/a> were properly outraged by these incidents, donating to immigrant causes,<\/a> writing letters of support and speaking up to the cops. This year I watched my white friends exercise their privilege not just against the overt racism of this administration and BBQ Beckys, but the casual racism of their family, on apps and at brunch. I witnessed my QPOC family run for office, open businesses, create art<\/a> that reminded everyone of our value, using education as a tool instead of just reprimanding others for their ignorance. In 2019,\u00a0 let us continue to confront racist bullshit with our posts, votes and dollars.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

2019 Gay Men are Anxious<\/h2>\n

How can we moderate our vices?<\/b><\/em><\/h3>\n

We all struggle with our bad habits in times of crisis, whether it\u2019s booze, drugs, shopping, sex<\/a>, food. Stress + tequila turn me into an emotional, loud-mouthed Mexican stereotype. After an eviction sent me into a tailspin of anxiety drinking, I quietly took a sober month to reassess my consumption and how it was affecting others.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t as difficult as I thought and it broke the loop of anxiety-drinking-anxiety. I was more attentive to my friends and it was nice to remember all our conversations. Whether it\u2019s getting too drunk, falling out on G, unhealthy sex<\/a>, letting the search for coke rule your evenings, or even just being an asshole if you haven\u2019t had coffee, t<\/strong>aking a break from our vices can give us clarity in tough times.<\/em> Sobriety isn\u2019t for everyone, but harm-reduction should be.<\/p>\n

Are we helping meth become the epidemic of another generation?<\/b><\/em><\/h3>\n

Meth has led to the oblivion of so many people I love. It\u2019s not just an epidemic, it\u2019s an underground culture<\/i> that allows users to slide into a double life with such heartbreaking ease that very few are able to resist its gravitational pull. It dovetails so well with our desires and fears, that nothing we can say can change the mind of someone under its grasp.<\/p>\n

What I do implore users is to be aware of how they\u2019re exposing others to this drug. Many young people are introduced or enabled by older men<\/a> or frequent users. Before you pass that pipe or syringe<\/a> to our young or inexperienced, ask yourself, are you indoctrinating others, does your misery need company?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

How do we keep our city\u2019s queer residents?<\/b><\/em><\/h3>\n

Many historically queer cities are in housing shortages that bring out the worst. This year I suddenly lost my home in San Francisco. An older gay<\/a> landlord had no boundaries over what he believed I owed him for cheap rent. Almost overnight, I was homeless in one of the most expensive cities in the world. After months, through the help (and couches) of many people, I found a spot. I\u2019m one of the lucky ones, so many queers have fled, or live<\/a> on our streets. When folks lament the golden era of a city, it\u2019s\u00a0 about proximity to one another, the ability for spontaneous gatherings. It\u2019s not just about protecting spaces, but about passing down history and political power.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard, but our ethics can still shield queer neighborhoods against greed,<\/em> for example by resisting the urge to overcharge a new queer roommate. Join or create Facebook groups for queer housing, and use these instead of AirBnB in places where queer and POC neighborhood are being gutted. Vote for progressive candidates and affordable housing measures.<\/p>\n

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We\u2019ve pried open closet doors, changed the law and de-fanged a killer virus but are we using these victories as an excuse for isolation and narcissism?<\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

How are we talking to trans<\/a> folks about sex<\/a>?<\/b><\/em><\/h3>\n

Among my biggest regrets of 2018 are times I didn\u2019t take my trans<\/a> family into better consideration. Gay men<\/a> dominate so much of queer history and spaces that it doesn\u2019t occur to us to ask, or more importantly, not<\/i> ask certain questions. I reached out to my trans<\/a> friends on what we could be doing better. Other than the obvious (holding safe space, marching, voting, etc), one of the biggest issues that came up is how we talk to trans<\/a> folks about sex<\/a>, especially on apps.<\/p>\n

We can be so caught up with the fact we \u201cmeant\u201d well, that we don\u2019t realize we need emotional<\/i> consent when touching on certain topics. I cringe when I think about how I\u2019ve spoken to trans<\/a> people in the past. Good intentions are not an excuse for \u201cYou\u2019re so pretty, are you trans<\/a>?\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ve always wanted to have sex<\/a> with a trans<\/a>!\u201d or the worst \u201cWhat\u2019s down there?\u201d<\/p>\n

Now that our trans<\/a> family have the visibility they always deserved, of course we\u2019re curious, but our curiosity is our<\/i> responsibility. We need to educate ourselves, read books, watch films and porn with trans<\/a> folks, learn to express attraction without fetishizing, support our friends discovering their own trans<\/a> attractions, so that we can communicate with the respect and reverence our trans<\/a> family deserves.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

More 2019 Gay Men\u2019s Resolutions<\/h2>\n

Do we think about our gay<\/a> seniors?<\/b><\/em><\/h3>\n

This year I interviewed queer folks in their 70\u2019s and 80\u2019s for a film. They spoke about times not so long ago when holding a man<\/a>\u2019s hand could get you arrested for \u201ccrimes against humanity.\u201d Your face would be in the paper, your stuff on the street because of moral clauses in apartment leases. They reminded me our new blue pill is holding back a tidal wave of death that washed away much of their support, that the politicians who neglected the plague still<\/i> serve our government. They told me how they laughed during AIDS, and how they\u2019d cruise at funerals. I was deeply moved by the weight of history they carried, all while some lived in poverty, sometimes forced to go back in the closet.<\/p>\n

None of us would be here without our gay<\/a> seniors and frankly, they\u2019ve gotten the shaft. Their lack of a better support system is not proportionate to the sacrifices they made for us.\u00a0How are we helping them lighten their burdens? For starters, we not only need to support LGBT Senior causes<\/a>, we must foster intergenerational friendships. <\/em>While it may seem there\u2019s an ocean between our generations, we owe them not only immense gratitude, but a fucking<\/a> hello. Next time you see a queer senior at a gay<\/a> bar, ask them how their day was and you may stumble upon history that could change you.<\/em><\/p>\n

Do our emotions have a weight to them?<\/b><\/em><\/h3>\n

I have a friend who comes over for dinner and each time he brings me a card. We\u2019ll post about our dinner, share photos on our IG stories, he\u2019ll send me a thank you text, but guess what I value the most? We live<\/a> in times of weightless affection. It is not inherently bad that a birthday post has replaced a hug, or that an eggplant replaced the street cruise, but when we lift less, and less weight, our emotional muscles are not as strong. For those closest to you,\u00a0 take the extra step to communicate joy, love or despair in more tactile ways.<\/em> For strangers, ask yourself if you know how to react to their attraction without reaching for your phone to check their profile on an app.<\/p>\n

What are we ashamed of?<\/b><\/em><\/h3>\n

Shame is behind most of the questions asked in this piece, always part of our story. The closet, AIDS, religion, abandonment, our bodies. We are such masters at reflecting self-loathing onto others, half the time we don\u2019t even realize it\u2019s there, at the root of our high statistics of mental health and addiction issues.\u00a0 Ridding ourselves of it is a lifelong process. The anxiety it causes along the way can paralyze us completely but small steps can get us through. First step is asking yourself what are you ashamed of? The size of your body, dick<\/a>, bank account, r\u00e9sum\u00e9 ? How does this shame translate into depression or anxiety?<\/em><\/p>\n

The best advice I\u2019ve ever received was \u201cWhenever you feel anxious, do something nice for someone.\u201d<\/strong> I hope that this coming year, when we wake up with that worry for the state of our country or ourselves, we can pick up the phone and ask someone how they<\/i> are and to listen without waiting to talk. I hope we get the strength for unexpected gestures of generosity for one another that have a weight and history to them. These times aren\u2019t dark Mary, they\u2019re just heavy. Lift yourself and one another up in 2019.<\/p>\n

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Previously on Towleroad:<\/em><\/h3>\n

2016 Resolutions All Gay Men Should Consider<\/a><\/em><\/h3>\n

2017 Resolutions All Gay Men Should Consider<\/a><\/em><\/h3>\n

2018 Resolutions All Gay Men Should Consider<\/a><\/em><\/h3>\n
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Leo Herrera<\/a><\/em> is a queer Mexican artist, activist and writer. His work focuses on queer history, sexuality and nightlife. His latest piece FATHERS Project<\/a> is a sci-fi web series that imagines AIDS never happened. Now playing at www.iftheylived.org.\u00a0<\/a>You may also follow him on Instagram.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

All opinions expressed are those of the author.<\/em><\/p>\n

The post 2019 Resolutions Every Gay Man Should Consider\u2026 It\u2019s complicated.<\/a> appeared first on Towleroad Gay News<\/a>.<\/p>\n

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2019 Resolutions Every Gay Man Should Consider… It’s Complicated.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n