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<\/p>\n2018 Resolutions All Gay Men Should Consider<\/b>
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Resolutions for 2018 Gay Men Should Consider<\/b><\/p>\n
2017 was the kind of year we dreaded at the end of 2016. For many queers, the country regressed decades. The antics of the new regime reached the camp of a John Waters movie. Our \u201cPresident\u201d made it clear he doesn\u2019t give a flying f**k about the LGBT community. While politically and culturally we\u2019re stronger than in our recorded history, our victories lose their luster when we watch our trans<\/a> family so blatantly oppressed, while HIV is once again ignored, while our country sits idly as queer men<\/a> are taken into concentration<\/em> camps<\/em> across the globe.<\/p>\n For queer men<\/a>, fatigue, the absence of mentors lost to AIDS, and a lack of blueprints to measure our success can make the future seem even more hopeless. Maybe it is<\/em> the end of times. Or maybe it\u2019s the same old world, the same old hate, and it\u2019s us getting older and weary. But one way we\u2019ve always fought that hatred, and what we do best, is take small actions and gatherings, turn them into a protests and celebrations, becoming political and cultural juggernauts.<\/p>\n As a gay<\/a> men<\/a> living in America, we\u2019re damaged, privileged, lucky, and full of what Harvey Milk called \u201cFabulous Emotions.\u201d We need to use these emotions to fight the communal malaise and anxiety that shadowed most of our discourse in 2017, so that in 2018 we can remind these oppressors who they\u2019re dealing with. Mary, we\u2019ve survived jail cells, lynchings, the closet and an unstoppable virus. We\u2019re still here. Our family is growing and we\u2019re not going anywhere<\/em>.<\/p>\n 1. Question Who the Hell You Think You Are.<\/b><\/p>\n Gay men<\/a> do not have many examples as to what a \u201csuccessful\u201d gay<\/a> life means. Most of hetero culture promotes a white picket fence, but there\u2019s no equivalent for us. We can feel directionless, not knowing \u201cwhat we\u2019re doing with our lives.\u201d<\/p>\n The last two years I\u2019ve written these resolutions and this year\u2019s was the most difficult. 2017 was a rough year for me personally. My long-term relationship failed for the same reasons I\u2019ve watched other gay<\/a> couples<\/a> fail. I moved to a gay<\/a> mecca that is now too expensive for those who need it most. Two artist friends I admired killed themselves violently. I struggled with depression, anxiety, keeping my vices under control. I felt I\u2019d lost my moral compass, doubting what was good about being gay<\/a> anymore. Who the hell was I to give any kind of advice or resolutions?<\/p>\n I had to look deep within myself and then to our history to find the answer. What I found were many, many men<\/a> just like me. I\u2019m part of a long<\/i> lineage. As a Mexican queer activist and artist, I travel the country for work, meeting all kinds of queer men<\/a>, I\u2019ve seen most of our issues are the same regardless of race, wealth or age. My forefathers gave their lives for me to live<\/a> this life. You\u2019re damn right I\u2019m going to sit here and tell you what I know, it\u2019s my f**king duty<\/i>.<\/p>\n This year look within yourself and find out what kind of gay<\/a> man<\/a> you are and want to be, research your history to find those that lived like you, those gay<\/a> teachers, leathermen, drag queens, activists, doctors, their lives can hold the answer to many of your questions.<\/p>\n 2. Remember, Your History IS Your Resistance.<\/b><\/p>\n As most authoritarian regimes have shown, a way to oppress a people is to deny them their history and culture. Throughout our existence, queer people have been especially susceptible to this; our records go back only a fraction in time, stigma and the law forced us into closets, AIDS nearly wiped a generation and even our family members have been complacent in erasing us. Yet, one of our beacons against this smudging are the archives and museums that hold our histories. Support and join your local archives and institutions, like the GLBT Historical Society<\/a> in SF, the Leather Archives in Chicago<\/a>, The One Archives in LA<\/a>, The Leslie Lohman Museum in NYC<\/a>. When we diversify and increase the memberships of these institutions, we help them get grants, raise money, acquire priceless artifacts for future generations to learn from.<\/p>\n 3. Roll Up Those Sleeves Mary, We Got Work to Do (and It\u2019s Not Gonna Be Glamorous).<\/b><\/p>\n It\u2019s going to take sweat, humility and persistence to fight for the rights those before us earned with their lives. History, the press, even corporations are on our side, but elbow grease and gatherings will change the next elections. We have always represented the vanguard and being queer now also means supporting immigration rights, women<\/a>\u2019s rights, gun control<\/a>. It\u2019s not a thrill to phone bank, knocking on doors during elections, asking people for donations can take humility and mimosas, but queer people know the smallest actions can turn into the most powerful movements. Remember a dance party in a firehouse eventually became the Gay Activists Alliance<\/a>. A queer Mardi Gras Krewe<\/a> became the first political organization in the South. A\u00a0 zine became the first lesbian publication<\/a>. A brick through a bar window set millions of gay people free<\/a>. You don\u2019t need to throw bricks, but maybe throw a dinner party with friends to strategize on what you can do to get out the vote, change the minds of your bio-family members. If thousands of us do that this year, 2018 elections won\u2019t know what hit \u2018em.<\/p>\n 4. Expand Your LGBT Family.<\/b><\/p>\n Gay men<\/a> tend to self-segregate for pleasure and survival, but now\u2019s the time to expand and include our entire LGBT community, outside of the comforts of our social bubbles. We need to take the privileges that we earned and make sure that they extend to all queers. We need to seek and create spaces that include all of us and not hide behind online activism. We can take all the feminist theory classes and get into heated arguments online, donate to the HRC and ACLU, but if we remain separated by race, gender, and class, if we don\u2019t have trans<\/a> and lesbian<\/a> friends, we miss the opportunities to truly understand and strengthen our larger community.<\/p>\n Yes, there are mistakes to be made, wrong pronouns and antiquated words that will be used. There will be arguments and uncomfortable discussions, but they are dialogues we need to have. Doing it face to face will be more fruitful than doing it online and a friendship can always overcome a wrong word or pronoun. You can learn a lot from a misunderstanding.<\/p>\n 5. Girl, Speak for Yourself and Don\u2019t Let Others Do It For You.<\/b><\/p>\n Our oppressors don\u2019t differentiate between gay<\/a><\/i> or trans<\/a><\/i> or queer<\/i>, yet word policing among us has reached a fever pitch. A straight woman<\/a> told me that referring to another gay<\/a> man<\/a> as \u201cgirl<\/a>\u201d was misogynistic. A trans<\/a> woman<\/a> told me that I wasn\u2019t allowed to use \u201cqueer\u201d if I only had sex<\/a> with men<\/a>. What bothered me most about was they were speaking for<\/em> me as a gay<\/a> man<\/a>. Gay men<\/a> have our own language other folks may not understand. While misogyny is a big issue, it\u2019s usually a form of self-hatred for our own femininity and calling one another \u201cgirl<\/a>\u201d is a milestone for many gays<\/a>. I\u2019ve had sex<\/a> with trans<\/a>-men<\/a> but it\u2019s not something that defines me. Having to calmly explain this was a challenge.<\/p>\n Many arguments within the LGBT community are folks speaking for other folks. Writing this piece I was confronted by my own doubts. Was it ok to use \u201cgay<\/a>\u201d? Who would be offended or left out? While I can stand for trans<\/a> rights, or black lives, I can only speak from my own experience as a gay<\/a> man<\/a>. We need to demand that folks in our community have the same respect for our own traditions and languages. As our chosen family grows and as inclusion becomes crucial to battle the political forces that threaten us, there are many nuanced conversations we need to have with the rest of our LGBT family (why male<\/a>-only spaces are still important, for example) and having a healthy rapport will be crucial.<\/p>\n 6. Talk about Depression and Say \u201cSuicide\u201d.<\/b><\/p>\n Queer men<\/a> have freedoms we still don\u2019t fully comprehend. Our lives can become unstructured and directionless, sometimes leading to doubt and depression. High suicide rates haunt us from our teens<\/a> to middle age and yet the stigma is still so strong we rarely say the word out loud when one of us commits it. \u201cSudden death\u201d has become a sad synonym. In the last 2 years, one of my friends smoked so much meth, his lung collapsed. My gay<\/a> cousin swallowed pills and died in a truck. One of my favorite people hanged himself and left no note. This is the first time I\u2019ve typed those words.<\/p>\n Suicides are like shrapnel bombs in our chosen families. They affect us in ways that need to be treated head on, which can take a long time to recover from. Social media puts a pressure to present a perfect life, but we need to talk about our depression directly, to acknowledge when our brothers take their lives so that the rest of us can learn something from those tragedies, so that we can ask each other \u201cAre you OK?\u201d we can be ready to hear the answer, even if it\u2019s not pretty.<\/p>\n 7. Use the Buddy System.<\/b><\/p>\n Anxiety can make us self-centered and isolated, leaving us alone in a version of reality comprised of our worst thoughts and opinions of ourselves. Is there someone who you check up on daily? Someone who checks up on you? In our darkest moments, it can be hard to ask for help. Sometimes the best solution can be to check in on someone else, without expecting anything in return and create a link of friends and \u201cbuddy system.\u201d Seeing ourselves reflected in someone else\u2019s eyes, can show us a kinder, better version of how we see ourselves and that can literally save lives.<\/p>\n 8. Appreciate Touch.<\/b><\/p>\n A straight friend was admiring the way that gay<\/a> men<\/a> touch each other in public spaces. \u201cIn a crowded straight bar,\u201d he said, \u201cit\u2019s impossible to get from one side to another, you can\u2019t touch other dudes, certainly not other girls<\/a>, and definitely not other dude\u2019s girls<\/a>.\u201d He said he liked the vibe of gay<\/a> bars, because we navigate spaces with a gentle touch to the shoulder or waist, we hug and kiss each other hello. He called this \u201cGay Synergy.\u201d We even have the luxury of spaces where \u201cimplied consent\u201d is real (and yes it is real, so if you can\u2019t stand the heat and a pat on your butt<\/a>, get your ass<\/a> out the Eagle queen). It\u2019s a touch many of us take for granted. Sexual assault and consent are important conversations we still need to have, especially where HIV, drugs and group sex<\/a> are involved, but we also need to celebrate our comfort with one another.<\/p>\n 9. Discuss the Health of our Bears.<\/b><\/p>\n The flourishing of our Bear community is a grand example of how queer men<\/a> can join to overcome adversity. In this case, the victory over our own rigid, self-imposed standards of male<\/a> beauty. Yet, it goes more than skin deep. As a proud bear chaser that a real good bear gathering can be vibrant, sexual taste of gay<\/a> men<\/a> during early gay<\/a> liberation. Every bear body is built differently though and there are health issues that face some of our bears that need to be spoken of more openly, so that the stigma we have about other diseases doesn\u2019t cause any more harm. It\u2019s time we talk openly about the effects of obesity and lack of exercise, about sleep apnea, heart and cholesterol issues on members of this sub-culture and what we could be doing to keep our bears informed and healthy.<\/p>\n 10. Check your PrEP Privilege.<\/b><\/p>\n For those with access, PrEP has been revolutionary, changing our sexual paradigm forever. Yet for many, especially for our brothers and sisters of color, undocumented immigrants and low-income trans<\/a> family, it\u2019s not always within reach. Find out what your community\u2019s access is, and what you can do to increase it for other groups. This may mean donating a few bucks to health organizations, spreading information online or just taking the time to calmly educate that uninformed guy<\/a> on Scruff.<\/p>\n 11. Don\u2019t Replace Self-Care with Sex.<\/b><\/p>\n As soon as we come out, we\u2019re inundated with images and the illusion of endless sex<\/a>, an abundance that\u2019s supposed to be political and liberating, even an obligation. This can give way to gluttony, a system of excess that, left unchecked and combined with addiction, becomes a weapon for epic self-destruction. We\u2019re left feeling empty when we\u2019re told we should be full. Some of us deal with boredom or depression by wasting hours on sex<\/a> apps, confusing self-gratification for self-care. Sometimes what you need Mary is a nap and a salad, or a good cry on a good friend\u2019s shoulder\u2026and not a dick<\/a> in your mouth.<\/p>\n 12. Be a Gentleman on the Apps. <\/b><\/p>\n Sheesh, can\u2019t believe we still need to talk about this but some of us are so rude online. The ghosting, blatant racism, body shaming, and general lack of etiquette. Remember for some these apps are a phone game, for other\u2019s they are the only way they can relate to the gay<\/a> world.\u00a0Grow up queen, talk to people online with the same respect you\u2019d use to their face, follow through with plans and meetings the same way you would with your friends.<\/p>\n 13. Support the Neighborhoods We Gentrify.<\/b><\/p>\n It is very expensive to be an out queer man<\/a> in America, to live<\/a> in places where holding hands still doesn\u2019t feel like a risk. For many fleeing conservative towns, living in expensive cities is a matter of self-preservation. For low-income queers and artists, it\u2019s a necessity to live<\/a> in low-rent neighborhoods, but our presence can be part of the vast, complex issue of gentrification. We don\u2019t always have a choice in how we change the dynamics of a neighborhood, but we have responsibility to them nonetheless. We need to get to know our neighbors, to support the small businesses, the bodegas, barbers, grocery stores, dry cleaners that were there before we arrived. These are small but important habits and especially true for white gay<\/a> men<\/a> who move into neighborhoods of color. If all we do<\/em> is shop at that new $10 chocolate bar shop, or eat at the clich\u00e9d restaurants with Edison bulbs and Shishito pepper appetizers, we are becoming part of a very real problem.<\/p>\n 14. Make a Reverse To-Do List.<\/b><\/p>\n Gay men<\/a> can demand so much of ourselves, from our careers and our bodies. Our life goals and To-Do lists, especially this time of year, can be daunting. \u201cGet A Six Pack\u201d \u201cFinish the Novel\u201d \u201cGet a Boyfriend\u201d \u201cLand the Promotion.\u201d When these are not achieved to our expectations, it can leave us asking dark questions about our place in the world. Here is a good exercise for this anxiety: at the end of the day, list the things you did do. \u201cWent to the gym\u201d \u201cWrote 10 pages\u201d \u201cScheduled a meeting with the boss\u201d \u201cGot the balls to finally text that gym crush.\u201d This exercise can calm us feel when faced with figuring out what \u201cwinning\u201d at gay<\/a> life is meant to be. Going into 2018 we need to be kinder to one another, but even more kind to ourselves.<\/p>\n Leo Herrera<\/a> All opinions expressed are those of the author.<\/em><\/p>\n The post 2018 Resolutions All Gay Men Should Consider<\/a> appeared first on Towleroad<\/a>.<\/p>\nWhile misogyny is a big issue, it\u2019s usually a form of self-hatred for our own femininity and calling one another \u201cgirl<\/a>\u201d is a milestone for many gays<\/a>.<\/h4>\n
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<\/a> is a Mexican artist\/activist. His work focuses on queer history, sexuality and nightlife. He is working with the GLBT Historical Society<\/strong><\/a> on History Is Resistance<\/strong><\/a>, a membership campaign to bring queer history to a new generation.\u00a0 His latest project\u00a0FATHERS: Sex & Politics if AIDS Never Happened<\/a> is a Sci-Fi Doc that you can view at www.iftheylived.org<\/a> You may also follow him on Instagram.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n