{"id":50417,"date":"2017-02-19T10:25:46","date_gmt":"2017-02-19T15:25:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/the-ageist-contradiction-if-youre-not-looking-for-an-oldie-why-did-you-grindr-me\/"},"modified":"2017-02-19T10:25:46","modified_gmt":"2017-02-19T15:25:46","slug":"the-ageist-contradiction-if-youre-not-looking-for-an-oldie-why-did-you-grindr-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/the-ageist-contradiction-if-youre-not-looking-for-an-oldie-why-did-you-grindr-me\/","title":{"rendered":"The ageist contradiction: If you\u2019re not looking for an \u201coldie,\u201d why did you Grindr me?"},"content":{"rendered":"

The ageist contradiction: If you\u2019re not looking for an \u201coldie,\u201d why did you Grindr me?<\/b><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u201d might be the unsexiest word in the English language.\u00a0But I suspect that if someone were to do the research, he or she would discover that\u2019s it\u2019s the one most commonly used in Grindr profiles.<\/span><\/p>\n

No Asians.\u00a0<\/span>No blacks.\u00a0<\/span>No whites.\u00a0<\/span>No fems.\u00a0<\/span>No trans<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span>No oldies.\u00a0<\/span>No this. No that.\u00a0<\/span>No! NO! NO!!!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

For a community that\u2019s so intent on demanding acceptance from outsiders, we seem to extend so little of it within.<\/span><\/p>\n

At the risk of showing my age, I must say \u201cNo oldies\u201d has a particularly brutal sting, perhaps partly because so many guys<\/a> who go there can\u2019t resist twisting the knife by expounding on it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI already have a dad\u2013don\u2019t need another one,\u201d <\/i>with its suggestion of paedophilic tendencies for anyone of a certain age who dares to approach a fresh young thing, seems to be a favorite.\u00a0<\/span>There\u2019s an extra layer of hostility there. It\u2019s almost as if they\u2019re actually saying, \u201cIt\u2019s not just that I\u2019m not attracted to your<\/em> kind. Why do you even still exist?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Related:\u00a010 things you should never say to a black guy on Grindr<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

The grand irony is that, unlike the other categories of \u201cNo,\u201d older is something we\u2019ll all get to experience eventually, if we\u2019re lucky enough to live<\/a> that long. And as someone who has lived long enough to hear the gay<\/a> death knell toll on my 40th birthday, I can confirm that youth is frighteningly fleeting; the gay<\/a> death knell tolls for you much sooner than you think.<\/span><\/p>\n

But there\u2019s another twist: Despite my advanced age (which I choose not to reveal in my Grindr profile because, as a black man<\/a>, I\u2019m already subject to quite enough stereotypical sizing-up, thank you), most of the messages I receive on Grindr are from guys<\/a> in their teens<\/a> and twenties\u2013many of whom insist they don\u2019t want anything to do with anyone over 30.<\/span><\/p>\n

Usually, I\u2019ll ignore them the way I do profiles with any kind of \u201cNo\u201d list, even if none of them apply to me.\u00a0<\/span>But sometimes I can\u2019t resist calling them out for hitting on a dreaded \u201cdaddy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm, I\u2019m sorry. But I\u2019m over 30, mate. In fact, I\u2019m over 40<\/em>,\u201d <\/i>I recently responded to a twenty-something who insisted he wasn\u2019t looking for a dad. He even included an ultra-specific age range: 25-28.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s OK, man<\/a>. You don\u2019t look it, and you\u2019re hot, so it doesn\u2019t matter. But it\u2019s up to you,\u201d he wrote back within minutes.<\/span><\/p>\n

Related:\u00a0The Trump effect: How American politics are ruining gay etiquette and making us meaner<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

So if it doesn\u2019t matter, then why mention it? <\/span>If you are going to bother putting age restrictions in your profile, if you are going to risk making any \u201coldie\u201d who happens to read it feel inferior just so you can avoid having to hear from undesirables, shouldn\u2019t you at least have the integrity to stick to your ageism?<\/span><\/p>\n

The more I thought about it, the more I realized the rejection of older men<\/a> on Grindr has nothing to do with numbers. It\u2019s just another form of prejudice. It\u2019s not that they\u2019re not looking for another dad. That really goes without saying. Grindr is about a lot of things, but incest isn\u2019t one of them.\u00a0<\/span>What they\u2019re really saying is that older equals not hot, which is not only offensive, but it\u2019s an urban myth. After all, have you seen Ryan Reynolds, 40, Ryan Phillippe, 42, Mahershala Ali, 42, Will Smith, 48,\u00a0or Viggo Mortenson, 57, lately? <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s one thing to look for a match who is close to your age because you\u2019ll probably have more in common with him. But guys<\/a> are constantly reminding me that Grindr is a hook-up app, not a match-making one. And so t<\/span>he implication of age restrictions, as with race restrictions, is that the prohibited group is unattractive: Yuck!<\/em> Who wants to go to bed with someone like that? <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The great thing about meeting guys<\/a> online is that, unlike in a bar or club, if you don\u2019t fancy a suitor, you can just ignore him. But, despite the higher likelihood of having to deliver an awkward rejection in a bar or club, no one walks around in public wearing signs that say \u201cNo Asians\u201d or \u201cNo oldies.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Related:\u00a0Gay men, please stop using the term \u201cBBC,\u201d It\u2019s racist, blogger says<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

Has the gay<\/a> community been so overtaken by the \u201cmean girls<\/a>\u201d mentality in the internet age that we can\u2019t just ignore messages from people we don\u2019t find attractive? Is it absolutely necessary to make pre-emptive strikes so that they won\u2019t clutter our precious inboxes with yet another \u201cHi\u201d?<\/span><\/p>\n

There are a lot things that frustrate me about Grindr, but something I\u2019ve always appreciated is that there\u2019s no built-in way to specify race and age restrictions. Guys have to put those in themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

And if it\u2019s important enough for you to include, this is one oldie-but-(alleged) hottie who won\u2019t be biting the bait.<\/span><\/p>\n

Jeremy Helligar is the author of\u00a0<\/i>Is It True What They Say About Black Men?: Tales of Love, Lust and Language Barriers on the Other Side of the World<\/span><\/a>. You can tweet him\u00a0<\/i>@Theme4Gr8Cities<\/i><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

\n<\/a> <\/a>\n<\/div>\n

\nwww.queerty.com\/ageist-contradiction-youre-not-looking-oldie-grindr-20170219?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+queerty2+%28Queerty%29<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The ageist contradiction: If you\u2019re not looking for an \u201coldie,\u201d why did you Grindr me? \u201cNo\u201d might be the unsexiest word in the English language.\u00a0But I suspect that if someone were to do the research, he or she would discover that\u2019s it\u2019s the one most commonly used in Grindr profiles. No Asians.\u00a0No blacks.\u00a0No whites.\u00a0No fems.\u00a0No … Continue reading The ageist contradiction: If you\u2019re not looking for an \u201coldie,\u201d why did you Grindr me?<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2466,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-50417","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"yoast_head":"\nThe ageist contradiction: If you\u2019re not looking for an \u201coldie,\u201d why did you Grindr me? - GAYFRIENDSCHAT.com<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/the-ageist-contradiction-if-youre-not-looking-for-an-oldie-why-did-you-grindr-me\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The ageist contradiction: If you\u2019re not looking for an \u201coldie,\u201d why did you Grindr me? - GAYFRIENDSCHAT.com\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The ageist contradiction: If you\u2019re not looking for an \u201coldie,\u201d why did you Grindr me? \u201cNo\u201d might be the unsexiest word in the English language.\u00a0But I suspect that if someone were to do the research, he or she would discover that\u2019s it\u2019s the one most commonly used in Grindr profiles. 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