{"id":3720,"date":"2014-06-12T22:20:10","date_gmt":"2014-06-13T02:20:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/going-from-boys-to-men-with-our-fathers\/"},"modified":"2014-06-12T22:20:10","modified_gmt":"2014-06-13T02:20:10","slug":"going-from-boys-to-men-with-our-fathers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/going-from-boys-to-men-with-our-fathers\/","title":{"rendered":"Going From Boys to Men With Our Fathers"},"content":{"rendered":"

Going From Boys to Men With Our Fathers<\/b>
\nAs Father’s Day approaches, I think about my father. As boys<\/a>, our first relationship with a man<\/a> is with our fathers. This is especially important for gay<\/a> males<\/a>, since our adult love relationships will be with other men<\/a>. <\/p>\n

I wrote a chapter on our relationships with our fathers and how they affect our sense of masculinity and our relationships with other men<\/a> in my book 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n

The day comes when we must go from boy<\/a> to man<\/a> with our fathers. When I became a man<\/a> with my own father, he could not bear it. Sadly, it ended our relationship, but I have never regretted doing it. <\/p>\n

My Relationship With My Own Father<\/strong><\/p>\n

The work I urge on my clients began as a result of my own work with my father. I was raised in a female<\/a>-dominated family where the adults were always trying to make a “man<\/a>” out of me. They were concerned that all the women<\/a> might “feminize” me and make me gay<\/a>, so they would place me with other males<\/a>, such as my uncles, and encourage me in sports, neither of which I liked. All I wanted was my own father — and I never got him.<\/p>\n

Most of the time during my growing-up years, my father was absent from my life. When he was around, what affected me negatively was mostly what didn’t happen and what wasn’t said. As a child and teenager, I was a very verbal and emotional, open about my feelings and thoughts. But early on I perceived that my father wasn’t OK with that aspect of me, so to receive his love and approval, I unconsciously decided to be quiet and go with what I thought was his program. <\/p>\n

I sat up at night crying, wondering what it was about me that he didn’t like, as I did not feel loved by him. I thought that perhaps I was unwanted or was just a reminder that his first marriage to my mother had gone bad. I believed he really didn’t love me, and that the reason he never told me was that it would be wrong for a father to say this to his son.<\/p>\n

But after I became a therapist and learned more about my father’s formative years, I came to understand that it probably wasn’t personal. Most likely, he gave to me all that he could; perhaps that was all he himself had received as a child. My father is the last of 10 children, so I can imagine the neglect he must have suffered in such a big family. Yet I had to deal with the marginal relationship with him that did impact my forming a male<\/a> and relational identity.<\/p>\n

When I was 3 and my sister was 1, our parents divorced. One year later my father remarried and later had a son with his new wife. As a divorced part-time dad, he was an adequate provider, taking my sister and me for visits each weekend. I remember spending most of my time with his wife while he watched sports on television. To this day I cringe inside when I hear a sporting event on television, especially on weekends. <\/p>\n

As I grew older I could no longer hold in the feelings and emotions I felt toward my father, so I tried to tell him. But I did not experience him as receptive; he’d change the subject or tell me he did not want to hear it, saying he felt chastised and attacked. And as a young teenager, I was admittedly aggressive and hurtful at first. I lacked the skills to talk to him, but hurting him was the last thing I meant. Instead, I wanted him to hold me and tell me my hurt feelings and perceptions were justified, even if he felt differently. <\/p>\n

Once, when I tried to talk to my father, he walked away from me physically. Another time he packed up my sister and me and took us home. Still another time I was driving him to lunch when I began trying to talk about our relationship. I remember him ordering me to turn the car around and go back home, which I did. Each time he stopped the conversation, I would avoid him until things seemed better between us and it was like nothing had happened. <\/p>\n

I wasn’t physically afraid of my father, but I never wanted to make him angry or have him upset with me. I avoided these types of discussions with him, yet I wanted to have my truth out between us. I had so many questions about how he felt with my mother, about leaving me at age 3 and making a new family. <\/p>\n

One line in Eminem’s song “Cleaning Out My Closet” refers to his father, who left him at a young age: “I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye.” <\/p>\n

I wondered the same thing.<\/p>\n

Those were the kinds of conversations I wanted to have with my father. Even if they weren’t things I wanted to hear, I wanted to hear them anyway, because they still stood in my way of having a good and connected relationship with him. I wanted to talk them out because they were negatively impacting my relationship with him. I felt that I was holding on to things he had done and said and needed to get them off my chest, because I knew they were impacting my relationships with other men<\/a>, both straight and gay<\/a>, and particularly my ability to find a partner. <\/p>\n

At age 37 I began to realize I was carrying part of my father’s baggage, which he’d unintentionally passed onto me as a boy<\/a>. I needed to give it back. So with the help of the men<\/a> in a group to which I belonged, I worked on approaching my dad for a heart-to-heart talk. <\/p>\n

I met him for lunch, but once he realized this was one of those occasions where I’d talk on a deeper level about my feelings and our relationship, he said, “Joe, I cannot do this.” <\/p>\n

“Do what?” I asked. <\/p>\n

“The past is over and done with. Can’t you get over it? Can’t we move on?” <\/p>\n

“Dad, that’s what I am trying to do. I just need to express my feelings, not just about the past but about the present as well.” <\/p>\n

My father shook his head in disappointment and began to rise from his chair. “I’m sorry, son,” he said. “I cannot do this.” <\/p>\n

It was then that I went from boy<\/a> to man<\/a>. Afraid and yet not afraid at the same time, I stood up and said firmly, “Sit down!” <\/p>\n

He looked at me in disbelief. “What did you say?” <\/p>\n

I wasn’t going to cower to his disapproval this time. I felt myself coming into my mature masculinity and wanted to talk man<\/a>-to-man<\/a> with my father. <\/p>\n

“I said, ‘Sit down,’ Dad!” <\/p>\n

Silence. The restaurant around us vanished, and mentally I was my 25-year-old self who had turned the car around when he’d demanded that I do so, with my teenage<\/a> and preteen selves standing beside me. This time my masculine, 37-year-old self wasn’t going to back down. Once more I said, “I am asking you nicely to sit down!” And to my total disbelief, he did. <\/p>\n

Shocked, I calmly sat down and firmly began telling my father of my pain, my sorrow, my desire for more from him and with him. Many times as I was talking to him, I thought to myself that even if he wasn’t listening, I had to do this for me. I had to give him back all the baggage he’d passed on to me so that I no longer carried it for him. Secretly I hoped that he was listening, that somehow my pain and my feelings would open up his, to let him connect with me as I’d always dreamed of.<\/p>\n

He sat there and listened. He wept, and so did I. <\/p>\n

In fact, I realized that so much of what I was saying to him was the exact complaints I had with my partner Mike. I had begun to realize that many of the issues I had with Mike were the result of the unfinished business I had with my father. I listened to myself tell my father things I’d said to Mike over the years. Now I saw that these things were clearly between my father and me, and that I’d projected them onto Mike. I found it comforting that I could go to Mike after this and begin removing these negatives that came from my fathering and exorcise them from our relationship. <\/p>\n

After an hour I was finished. My father had hardly said a word. I knew that for him, this had not gone well. He wouldn’t and couldn’t go where I needed him to go with me. But that was OK, because I went by myself. I didn’t attack or blame him, call<\/a> him names, or humiliate or belittle him. I stayed with the data that existed between us: my feelings and judgments. I had done a “clearing” with him, as I describe in Chapter Six, the chapter on communication. I had purged longstanding issues that had prevented me from maturing from a boy<\/a>, not only with him but in other areas of my life. I firmly believe that on that day I became a man<\/a>. I blessed myself.<\/p>\n

A strained relationship with your father growing up doesn’t make you gay<\/a>, as some today still believe. It doesn’t even make you more or less masculine. However, it can interfere with your relationships with other men<\/a>. And as gay<\/a> men<\/a> who want relationships with other men<\/a>, this is significant. Our fathers were our first encounters with masculinity. We men<\/a> need their blessings to become men<\/a> and go out into the world to find male<\/a> relationships. Lacking their blessing, we can become lost. <\/p>\n

Find a way to go from little gay<\/a> boy<\/a> to adult gay<\/a> man<\/a> for yourself. You will never regret it!<\/p>\n

www.huffingtonpost.com\/joe-kort-phd\/going-from-boys-to-men-with-our-fathers_b_5480610.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Going From Boys to Men With Our Fathers As Father’s Day approaches, I think about my father. As boys<\/a>, our first relationship with a man<\/a> is with our fathers. This is especially important for gay<\/a> males<\/a>, since our adult love relationships will be with other men<\/a>. I wrote a chapter on our relationships with our … Continue reading Going From Boys to Men With Our Fathers<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2466,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3720","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nGoing From Boys to Men With Our Fathers - GAYFRIENDSCHAT.com<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/going-from-boys-to-men-with-our-fathers\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Going From Boys to Men With Our Fathers - GAYFRIENDSCHAT.com\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Going From Boys to Men With Our Fathers As Father’s Day approaches, I think about my father. 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