{"id":24028,"date":"2015-08-11T20:20:42","date_gmt":"2015-08-12T00:20:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/my-transgender-life-the-lost-and-found\/"},"modified":"2015-08-11T20:20:42","modified_gmt":"2015-08-12T00:20:42","slug":"my-transgender-life-the-lost-and-found","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gayfriendschat.com\/socialblog\/my-transgender-life-the-lost-and-found\/","title":{"rendered":"My Transgender Life: The Lost and Found"},"content":{"rendered":"

My Transgender Life: The Lost and Found<\/b>
\nFor so many years I had no idea how lost I really was. I think this may not only be true for many trans<\/a> folk, but it just might be true for almost everyone too!<\/p>\n

By all outward appearances I was pretty successful. I was married for 25 years, raised 3 fabulous kids in an upper middle class suburb and thought I was living the American dream of the boomer generation that I was part of.<\/p>\n

Yet, I knew there was something missing, as I knew that all of this was not enough. No, not really that it was not enough; because, after all it was plenty and more than most ever get to have. It was something very different. There was always the inner battle with gender variance. I was aware of that seemingly forever, although – with various degrees of difficulty – was able to keep it in check.<\/p>\n

This all seemed to be working. Until……<\/p>\n

My marriage ended after 25 years. The details of this are not important here. My internal battle with gender was a total secret and never, never, an open issue, although what it was doing to me internally at the time, I had no words to describe.<\/p>\n

…<\/center><\/p>\n

I was already lost in elementary school. By the second grade I did not know where I fit in. I did not have any friends in my classes that I would see after school. The boys<\/a> seemed to talk about playing ball, and I had no idea how to do that. Growing up in a 2-room apartment in a big apartment building in Brooklyn, ball playing to me was playing “hit the penny” with a pink rubber ball. This is where a penny is put on a crack between 2 “boxes” on the sidewalk and you try to hit. My father kept making fun of me saying I threw like a girl<\/a> – while he never taught me how to throw. This made me mad on so many levels.<\/p>\n

In third grade, the boys<\/a> played softball after school and one day I was asked to join them. I had no idea what I was doing. I learned what it was like to be the last person picked as sides were chosen. This made me mad on so many levels.<\/p>\n

Inside me, there was so much anger, and I felt so lost. I had no idea where I belonged. I did not know how to “play” with the boys<\/a>. I just wanted to watch TV, but I had to belong with them, I really did. But there were the days with mom’s dresses too. I was so confused, so lost. All this made me mad on so many levels.<\/p>\n

…<\/center><\/p>\n

Over time, I learned to play ball with the boys<\/a>. I learned to grab the ball first and lead, and worked myself up from being the last pick to the one who was team “captain” who did the picking. I belonged there with the boys<\/a>, but inside I had lost so much of myself. I led most of my life not really knowing my true self, fighting what I thought was the good fight, having a successful career, getting married, raising a family. Deep down, I knew I had lost not only the sense of who I was, but also the ability to feel. I could fake it, and certainly did for so long, but it was only after my marriage ended did I stop blaming others for what I lacked, and dared to look for what I lost so long ago.<\/p>\n

Some may call<\/a> it courage. To the best of my knowledge that word never entered my mind. Looking back on that time it felt more like being trapped in a locked room and there was only one door to get out. I had to go deeply inside to escape the trap I found myself in. There was no other choice!<\/p>\n

…
<\/center>
There were so many broken parts of me inside. I had no idea! Some were hiding, some were crying, one kept her back to me and refused to answer when I called to her. I stepped closer but what looked like a very large dog started to growl and I backed away. There was a box in the corner that had a faded sign on it, that as I got closer I made out the word “feelings.” I took a quick look behind me and knew there was no turning back. This box was overflowing as I started to gently pick through piece after piece. As I rummaged through this box, there was a flood of tears falling from my eyes. I knew these were falling both inside and of me and outside too. Some of the pieces were damp, some were ice cold and some made a gentle purring sound as I picked them up as if they were happy to be found and held. I took a few of these with me, as it was time for me to go back to my “real” world.<\/p>\n

…<\/center><\/p>\n

So much has changed for me since I discovered that place. I am no longer lost as I have found so many of my lost parts and have chosen to live<\/a> as my authentic self. There is no trapped room with only a single way out. I am free in the world!<\/p>\n

I’ve gone back to my Lost and Found many times since that day. I know there are still many lost pieces of me to discover and become friends with. I don’t really have a plan as to when I go, or what I am looking for, but find so much joy — yes, a feeling, in each new discovery of a lost part of me. I hope that I do not lose any other parts of me as I continue my journey, but if I do, now I know where to find them.<\/p>\n

###<\/center><\/p>\n

Grace Stevens is a transgender woman<\/a> who transitioned at the age of 64 and holds a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a father of three, grandparent of two, athlete, advocate and author of No! Maybe? Yes! Living My Truth<\/strong>, an intimate memoir of her personal struggle to transition and live<\/a> her true life authentically as a woman<\/a>. Grace is available for speaking about authentic living with Living on-TRACK<\/strong>, and Gender Variance Education and Training<\/strong>. Visit her website at: www.graceannestevens.com\/<\/a>. Follow Grace on Twitter: www.twitter.com\/graceonboard<\/a> .<\/em><\/center> <\/p>\n

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms.<\/a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.<\/p>\n


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My Transgender Life: The Lost and Found For so many years I had no idea how lost I really was. I think this may not only be true for many trans<\/a> folk, but it just might be true for almost everyone too! By all outward appearances I was pretty successful. 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