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Girl, Bye: How To Break Up With Your Gay Best Friend In Five Easy Steps
Breaking up is hard to do. But not all breakups are of the romantic sort.
Last week, we offered you six tips on how to be a great wingman at a gay bar. But what happens when you’re great wingman turns out to be not-go-great after all? There comes a time in every gay man’s life when he must cut ties with someone from his past.
It could be a former bar buddy whose drinking habit has gotten out of hand, or a college friend whose personality turned toxic after graduation. It might be an old co-worker who needs to grow up, or an ex-roomie who needs to get a clue.
In any event, it’s someone you were once close to, but who no longer serves a positive purpose in your life and, therefore, must go.
Here are five steps to breaking up with your gay best friend…
Step 1: Arrange a get together
While it may be tempting to simply delete him from your phone, block him on Facebook and Grindr, and avoid him every time you see him out at the bar, that’s really not a very grown-up way of handling things, especially when the two of you have a history. Take 20 minutes out of your life to meet for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and have a grown lady conversation. You might not want to at first, but you’ll be glad you did in the end. Going the passive-aggressive route by giving him the silent treatment means you’re still going to have to deal with ignoring his texts and dodging him at parties until he finally gets the hint, which could take weeks, months, or even years.
Step 2: Explain why you’re calling it quits.
Has he been flirting with your boyfriend? Did he hookup with your ex without running it by you first? Is his constant late-night drunk dialing getting to be too much? Has he gone all negative? Or have the two of you simply grown apart? Whatever the reason, let him know why you’re breaking it off. It will make you feel better getting it off your chest and it just might make him think twice about his behavior in the future.
Step 3: Give him a chance to explain himself.
After you’ve said your piece, he’ll likely respond one of two ways: With an apology or by getting defensive. Either way, give him an chance to explain himself. Even if you’re still not interested in being BFFs afterwards, it will help bring you both a sense of closure, or at least offer you an opportunity to fling wine in his face–or provide him the same.
Step 4: Set your boundaries.
OK, so you’ve explained why you’re dumping him. You’ve heard what he has to say. Now it’s time now to establish the terms of your breakup. Is this goodbye forever? Or are you willing to remain casual acquaintances? Could you possibly be friends again in the future? We recommend the six month rule. Spend six months ignoring each other, then reconnect to see if you have miraculously grown back together or whether he has matured. Whatever, figure out what you want, tell him in clear terms, and then stick to it.
Step 5: Enjoy your newfound freedom.
Now that you’ve been released from the chains and fetters of this poisonous friendship, twirl off into the sunset, pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay, and catch up on those Real Housewives reruns. If he tries calling or texting you a week later, don’t feel as though you have to respond. Just like when you break up with a boyfriend, breaking up with a friend means you’re no longer obligated to that person anymore.
Enjoy your newfound freedom.
Related stories:
Six Tips On How To Be A Great Wingman
Rules For Saying Goodbye: How To Break Up With Your F**k Buddy
The Psychology Of Breaking Up: Why Saying “Goodbye” Can Be The Greatest Act Of Love
Graham Gremore
READ: Kylie Jenner's Beautiful Response After Chris Brown Posts Transphobic Caityn Jenner Meme
Chris Brown (pictured above with Kendall and Kylie Jenner) followed in the transphobic footsteps of fellow rapper Snoop Dogg when he posted the following meme about Caitlyn Jenner on Instagram this past week:
Brown later deleted the meme, but not before Jenner’s daughter Kylie, who is friends with Brown, found out about it and took to Twitter to call Brown out with a simple but beautiful statement:
State what you want about the world without bashing others. Leave a positive impact 💕
— Kylie Jenner (@KylieJenner) June 5, 2015
Well said Kylie!
For more on Akon’s planned Solar Acadamy, click here.
Kyler Geoffroy
Scott Walker Backs Constitutional Amendment Allowing States To Ban Same-Sex Marriage
WASHINGTON — Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (R) said Sunday that he supports a constitutional amendment banning nationwide marriage equality.
The Supreme Court is expected to issue a decision this month that could grant, for once and for all, same-sex couples the right to wed across the country.
“I personally believe that marriage is between one man and one woman,” said Walker, a prospective GOP presidential candidate, on ABC’s “This Week.” “If the court decides that, the only next approach is for those who are supporters of marriage being defined as between one man and one woman is ultimately to consider pursuing a constitutional amendment.”
He added that “the decision on defining marriage should be left up to the states.”
Same-sex marriage is legal in Wisconsin. Walker has said that he voted for the state’s constitutional ban on marriage equality in 2006, which was overturned eight years later by the courts.
In April, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), who is also running for president, introduced legislation to establish a constitutional amendment protecting states that want to bar same-sex marriage.
Walker refused to give an opinion on the transition of Caitlyn Jenner and her Vanity Fair cover when asked about the topic Sunday morning.
President Barack Obama tweeted last week that Jenner has shown “courage.”
It takes courage to share your story. t.co/Q7wWjV9Rxx
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) June 1, 2015
“Well, I think it’s a personal decision,” Walker said. “And to me, I don’t know that there’s anything more to comment on. It’s a personal decision.”
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Jake Gyllenhaal Is Ready to Take You Down in New 'Southpaw' Trailer: WATCH
The second trailer is out for Southpaw, the upcoming boxing flick starring Jake Gyllenhaal as Junior Middleweight champ Billy “The Great” Hope, who is forced to return to the ring after tragedy strikes in order to win back his loved ones.
The film is directed by Antoine Fuqua and co-stars Rachael McAdams, 50 Cent, Rita Ora, Forest Whitaker, Naomie Harris, and Victor Ortiz.
Check out the new trailer, AFTER THE JUMP…
Kyler Geoffroy
7 Truly Inspiring Transgender Latinas
People were thrilled to be introduced to Caitlyn Jenner as she worked the cover of Vanity Fair like the queen that she is. But as Janet Mock and Laverne Cox have already pointed out, there are many important issues in the transgender community that still need our attention, especially in communities of color.
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Here’s How To Up Your Fitness Game
There are plenty of great benefits to the group fitness craze that’s sweeping the country right now. For one, it’s actually getting people into the gym – which is great. The group format also creates community and camaraderie, which people must like or they wouldn’t keep coming back, right?
As co-owner of one of Los Angeles’s fastest-growing new fitness programs, The Phoenix Effect, I’m thrilled to see group fitness grow and spread! But there is a potential downside to all this sweat and fitness. As people get comfortable in their routines and settle into a single class type or format, the same repetitive exercises and motions can become physically detrimental, not to mention boring. So it’s important to maintain balance, variety and a full range of functionality in your weekly workouts.
That’s why The Phoenix Effect recently added several new class formats designed to improve strength, form, agility, mobility and functionality. These new classes, called LIFT, FUNK, FIX and FLOW, join our already popular BURN and FIRE classes to round out a fitness program focused on strengthening and conditioning athletes in the most safe and effective ways.
Each class type addresses a specific functional need:
LIFT builds strength by combining heavy, old-school strength training with simple, effective movements with barbells, dumbbells, and other weights. Each class features four quadrants: two push/pulls, one compound barbell work and an effective core work.
FUNK is a hot, new Friday night hip hop dance class that emphasizes movement, coordination and athleticism in a fun format open to all levels.
FIX is a mobility class designed to balance many of the stresses and pressures put on the body through daily life and other workout formats. This class focuses on increasing shoulder and hip mobility through techniques such as foam rolling, trigger-point release, flossing, smashing and banded distraction and activation.
FLOW is yoga designed with athletes in mind. The class features stretching and release of major muscle groups, as well as solid core activation.
These four new class formats complement The Phoenix Effect’s two signature classes: BURN and FIRE. BURN classes are designed to emphasize strength and form, as well as to increase metabolic capacity, while FIRE classes emphasize agility, coordination, and speed. The result is a full-service workout program designed to take our athletes to new levels of fitness.
Bottom line, just remember that you can have to much of a good thing. If you’re stuck in rut and are going to the same yoga, crossfit or bootcamp class over and over again, maybe it’s time to mix things up. First see if your gym or studio offers other classes that compliment the workout program that you’re currently doing. If they don’t, consult with a personal trainer or other fitness profession who can give you a sound recommendation for some other workouts or class types that would complement what you’re currently doing. Not only will a balanced fitness program improve your well-being and produce better results, but you’ll probably enjoy the variety more too!
For more information or to book a class, visit www.phoenixeffectla.com.
The Phoenix Effect, a metabolic bootcamp that gets you in shape fast, is offered exclusively at 7264 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA.
Jeremy Kinser
feedproxy.google.com/~r/queerty2/~3/NgT3duWhiKc/heres-how-to-up-your-fitness-game-20150607
Ugandan Lesbian Covers Time: 'We Are Here to Stay'
A leading Ugandan activist fighting for LGBT rights takes a powerful stance on the cover of Time magazine’s Europe edition.
Sunnivie Brydum
www.advocate.com/politics/media/2015/06/07/ugandan-lesbian-covers-time-we-are-here-stay
Overvalued Genitals and Undervalued Brains – A Trans Response to Christian Conservatives Uncomfortable with Caitlyn Jenner
The impact of Jenner’s debut has been nothing short of extraordinary. Media outlets that struggled to properly report on trans persons in police blotters just a few years ago are suddenly interested in the topic. “Ex-trans persons,” those few scattered across the country over many years, suddenly become resurrected. Christians of all stripes begin to weigh in directly, not simply flinging afterthoughts to their decades-long homophobia.
I’d like to address the response of the Christian conservatives. I had found it tantalizing during my years of advocacy in Maryland that some of those most opposed to gay rights and marriage equality were either supportive of trans persons or, at worst, apathetic. They wouldn’t support gender identity legislation, so as not to break with their anti-gay team which found the distinctions between and trans confusing, and thereby dangerous to consistency of message, but seeing trans as a medical condition they were surprisingly sympathetic.
Today, post-Jenner, with the surrender of many religious conservatives on the impending “redefinition of marriage,” they can no longer afford to treat trans persons as afterthoughts. We must be attacked head-on theologically. That, however, is proving to be rather difficult.
The most notorious transphobe, the Catholic Professor Paul McHugh, a decade ago accepted the reality of gender identity when his Hopkins colleague, Bill Reiner, proved its existence scientifically. While he still sees trans women as mentally ill, because he can’t unravel gender identity from sexual orientation, he’s been left behind by his fellow psychiatric colleagues who long ago, with few exceptions, gave up any religious underpinning to issues of sex and gender. The article referenced above with his most recent rant (pity poor Johns Hopkins University which can’t get this guy to stop from embarrassing them) actually had the temerity to state that ” there are scientists who disagree,” as if there are today more than a handful. McHugh is a classic example of a professor in over his head – a psychiatrist who doesn’t understand the basics of human sexuality recognized by all professional medical organizations, including the World Health Organization, and a Catholic fundamentalist who seems to have never studied ancient texts.
An American Catholic theologian, Salvatore Cordileone, the Archbishop of San Francisco, sums up his critique of transsexualism by stating, categorically, “The clear biological fact is that a human being is born either male or female. “End of story. However, there are traditions in ancient Biblical culture (Midrash Bereshit Rabbah 8:1) that had the first being as an intersex person, an hermaphrodite.
The Rabbis of 2000 years ago recognized six types of sex among humans – female, male, androgynous, tum tum, aylonit and saris -and the Torah (Isaiah 56:4-5), as well as later Christian Scripture, recognized eunuchs (saris, many of whom were either intersex or trans women) as a higher form of humanity. It’s very hard to pin your entire catalog of disapproval on one sentence in Deuteronomy, and those efforts pale in comparison to the concoction of millennia of homophobia rooted in one sentence in Leviticus.
So why this resistance? Even Biblical literalists must recognize there are many passages which conflict with the absolute pronouncements of a Cordileone or McHugh, who, by the way, was responsible for the Vatican’s pronouncement back when it was run by the right-wing Benedict. When they get down to it, they always revert to a view of biological sex as rooted in genitalia. But, as I’ve pointed out, religious authorities (and the Greeks before them) have for millennia recognized that sexual anatomy and physiology are not that simple.
This belief, that genitals = sex, has been so deeply rooted in society that intersex babies have been left to die or “converted” into vagina-bearing beings raised as girls once the surgical techniques allowed the condition of ambiguous genitalia to be resolved to the wishes of the parents. When modern medicine routinely considered the birth of an intersex infant to be a pediatric emergency, and hid the follow-up care in silence and obfuscation, it’s no wonder that the average individual can’t comprehend that we have minds that are sexed to the degree where we know what sex we are, irrespective of our genital anatomy. There are millions of intersex individuals whose chromosomes and genes don’t match their genitalia or whose genitals are ambiguous, and it seems clear that if they would only come out as gay and trans persons have over the past few decades, society would have a hard time ignoring the complexity of human sexuality.
It’s one thing to deny the embodied brain and its manifestation in a subjective feeling of gender identity, because that is a function of a theory of mind that as yet has few tangible physical manifestations. People’s difficulties coming to grips with all sorts of brain conditions and their mental and emotional manifestations makes that abundantly clear. But when presented with live humans with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome or 5′-alpha reductase deficiency, it become impossible, short of a categorical denial of reality, to ignore the scientific evidence. Church leaders have been allowed for too long to evade the medical evidence.
Southern Baptists who talk of trans persons “rejecting your gender” misread the fact that trans people are doing the exact opposite – embracing their gender and their sex as embodied in their brains. Russell Moore, the head of the ethics arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, said, “The cultural narrative behind the transgender turn … is rooted in the ancient heresy of Gnosticism, with the idea that the ‘real’ self is separate from who one is as an embodied, material being.” Aside from the fact that few people care about “ancient heresies” in general or Gnosticism in particular, the core of the trans experience is indeed rooted in “an embodied, material being.” Just not in the overvalued genitals but in the undervalued brain.
At times it hard for me to accept that some men of religious persuasions are so intent to circle the wagons to maintain their hegemony and control over their womenfolk, and so afraid of a few hundred thousand trans women who are comfortable with being rid of an appendage that developed in opposition to their brain (because, if you bother to check, human sexual development in utero is a complex dance with many moves and, therefore, many outcomes). Acceptance of the trans experience will not lead to millions undergoing gender transition, just as the growth of same-sex marriage has not led to the catastrophic disappearance of opposite-sex marriage. If it’s led to anything novel, beyond the bourgeoisification of the gay experience, it’s the growth in gay divorces.
The Christian community is the victim of its forty-year tradition of equating every natural disaster with gay behavior, and imagining the worst possible outcome to every possible situation. Maybe that tradition derives from the Revelation stories, and so has a long and venerable history, but it’s a lousy way to live. Especially when it means driving your children to suicide or being in a state of high anxiety every time you enter a public bathroom.
I will take issue with Emma Green’s closing comment in The Atlantic piece: “The adjustment period on this issue will be complicated. And as the response to Caitlyn Jenner has shown, it’s only just beginning.” The adjustment period is at times complicated, but it has been going full throttle for the past 15 years. While few have been paying attention, science and medicine, academia, corporate America, the federal government, almost half of the state governments, and over 200 municipalities, many of which exist in red states, have been adjusting and doing so successfully. Cait Jenner just lifted the lid off the volcano; the pioneers have been at work for decades, and thanks to seemingly endless supplies of courage, tenacious advocacy and education, often against strong resistance and heavy odds, have made Jenner’s transition possible.
All that’s changed is that now, thanks to Jenner, “the whole world’s watching.”
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'Gilmore Girls' Michel Wasn't Necessarily Gay, But Sookie Was Supposed To Be
The question of Michel’s sexuality on “Gilmore Girls” is perhaps best summed up by this fan page asking if he is “gay or just French.” The show’s creator, Amy Sherman-Palladino, spoke with The Huffington Post at ATX Television Festival in Austin, Texas, Friday and gave us what may be the closest thing we’ll ever have to a definitive answer.
“We all know men who seem creative, who have wives and children,” she said, giggling. “So we never actually pursue it one way or the other and sort of let it lie.”
“We left it ambiguous and I think that was a choice,” said Yanic Truesdale, who played Michel. “I actually never asked Amy! … I’ve never asked, swear on my mother’s head.”
As Sherman-Palladino noted, early on in the series Michel makes a few comments insinuating he is straight. “We sort of went on record saying he was into women, because we put it in the script once,” she said, “but things can change or shift.”
Truesdale remembered that people speculated his character was in love with Lorelai, though his sexuality was never really part of Michel’s character. “They couldn’t figure it out and Amy liked that,” he said. “That’s why she made it like, ‘Oh, he loves Celine Dion.’ But he’s French. French guys are more feminine. French guys are more sophisticated… If you go to Paris, it’s like, ‘Oh my god, is he gay?'”
Sherman-Palladino did, however, explicitly think of other Stars Hollow residents as gay. “We had characters in the town that we thought of as gay,” she said, refusing to reveal who. “And we just thought of them as characters.”
When the show started in 2000, LGBT characters were few and far between (read: mostly limited to Showtime’s “Queer As Folk”). Sherman-Palladino actually intended Sookie (Melissa McCarthy) to be gay, but executives wouldn’t approve.
“Things were different back then,” Sherman-Palladino said. “The networks were very different in how permissive they would allow you to be. So, Sookie was originally supposed to be gay, but that was a non-starter at that time.”
Although she has said the show couldn’t exist today, if it had started a bit later, things might have been different.
“It changed so quickly,” she said. “By the time ‘Gilmore’ had been on a year or two, that shit was starting to drop right and left. But by that point, Sookie was in a relationship. It was really right at the cusp of when things were starting to turn. You know, today everyone would be gay. Lorelai would be gay!”
Lauren Duca is currently covering the ATX Television Festival for The Huffington Post. Follow her on Twitter @laurenduca and expect much more to come!
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